Howling II (1985) Review – Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular

Howling II “Review” (1985): Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular Day 1
Director: Philippe Mora
Writers: Robert Sarno, Gary Brandner
Starring: Christopher Lee, Annie McEnroe, Reb Brown, Sybil Danning
Runtime: 88 minutes

Hello, darlings.

Welcome to Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular: 13 Days to Halloween Countdown, the Halls’ newest October tradition and the first feature around here placed entirely under my control.

Titan has games. Theia has movies. Stinger has wrestling. Apparently Gary finally realized I deserve something of my own. So naturally, he gave me exactly what I always wanted… thirteen trashy horror movies.

I accept.

For the next thirteen nights, you and I are watching these together. I’ve got popcorn, I’ve got wine, and I’ve been handed a “review sheet” I’m supposed to fill out while we watch. That’s adorable, but I don’t plan on using it because I’m trying to watch the damn movie, not write a book.

Tonight’s movie is Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf, the 1985 sequel to The Howling. It stars Christopher Lee, Reb Brown, Annie McEnroe and… hold on.

Sybil Danning?

Oh.

Gary, you should have led with that.

VHS is inserted, pressing play. Wait, whoever I bought this off of on eBay wasn’t kind; they didn’t rewind. Give me one fucking minute. And if this VCR eats the tape, I’m gonna be so damn pissed. This is my moment.

Alright, it’s rewound and working fine. Shut up and sit down; we are officially starting the movie.

We’re thirty seconds in, and we already have Christopher fucking Lee. He’s reading a book out loud. He’s talking about the mother of harlots. Now some cool gothic buildings are being shown, and there’s kickass music playing over the montage.

This is a promising start.

We’re at a Funeral

Ben White is burying his sister Karen, who became a werewolf in the first movie and got herself killed. From what I’ve read, anyway. I’ve never seen the first one. Oh, Christopher Lee is here.

He’s Stefan Crosscoe, some kind of werewolf hunter or something, and he’s telling Ben that Karen isn’t finished being a problem. Ben thinks the creepy old man at his sister’s funeral is insane.

I understand, Ben. But that’s Christopher Lee.

If Christopher Lee walks up to you dressed in black and tells you your dead sister is a werewolf, your sister is a fucking werewolf. Don’t argue with him.

So Stefan tells this Jenny chick, some type of reporter, that Karen is a werewolf. She SAID THE LINE to Ben! She told him what Stefan said… “Your sister is a werewolf.” Damn, I love when a movie’s subtitle gets said in the film.

Christopher Lee Has Sunglasses

We’ve arrived at a punk club, and Christopher Lee is wearing sunglasses. I don’t know why this delights me as much as it does.

A punk band is performing a song called “The Howling,” because subtlety died with Ben’s sister. That’s the same badass song from the opening, but now it has words. Still a banger. There’s some annoying pricks in the club hitting on this black chick, and she’s totally a fucking werewolf. These goons have no idea what they’re messing with.

And she’s leading them out and back to some lair. Christopher Lee is watching.

I have questions.

Actually, no. I’m going to drink my wine and trust Christopher Lee.

Oh, good, the song is still playing.

We’re at some warehouse thing, and the black chick is walking around naked. Hells yeah, now it’s a party.

Oh, these poor bastards are dumb. They’re definitely about to be chow food. And there’s another chick who can’t do anything but scream. She’s totally going to get it too. Stop screaming and run! You know what? She deserves it.

That was fun, but kinda disappointing. Where the fuck is Sybil Danning? You know what, fast-forwarding just a bit.

Okay, we’re digging Karen up. Or not, I don’t know. Was she ever actually buried? Now she’s alive and clawing at Christopher Lee; this escalated quickly. Well, it was explained that her autopsy removed the silver bullets, so now she’s trapped. I had to back up a little to catch that since I fast-forwarded over it.

I’ll put the remote down.

Now we’re driving a titanium stake through her. And Ben is popping caps in some other werewolves’ asses. Shit is popping off quick. Well, not that quick. We’re 25 minutes into it.

Anyway, titanium.

I see what you’re doing, movie. One point.

Wait, is that Reb Brown?

It fucking is.

He’s very large.

We’re Going to Transylvania

Of course we are. Where else would we go? Is Transylvania known for werewolves? I thought that was vampires. You know what, it really doesn’t make a fucking difference at this point.

Stirba’s hiding out there with an entire werewolf cult, so Stefan needs Ben and Jenny to come along. Well, actually, he didn’t need them, but Ben got to put some silver bullets into some werewolves at the cemetery, and now he’s got the need to spread lead—or silver, or titanium, or whatever the fuck the bullets are.

Point is, he invited himself, and so did Jenny.

Alright, I think we’re at a werewolf ritual. There’s chanting. There’s fire. There’s people chained up, and some old hag standing over what I assume is a virgin girl. She’s sucking the life out of her, and not in the fun way.

Oh! That’s Sybil Danning! Yes! They’re all chanting STIRBA! STIRBA!

This is my kind of cheesy right now.

SYBIL!

There she is. She’s fucking glorious!

Hello, Stirba.

So Sybil Danning is our ancient werewolf queen, thousands of years old, and apparently that’s fine because look at her. If that’s immortality, it’s doing wonderful things for her skin.

Well, you know what I mean. She was old and ugly, sucked the soul right out of the poor girl, and now she’s fucking hot.

Okay, movie. You have my attention.

Give me Christopher Lee fighting Sybil Danning while Reb Brown punches werewolves for sixty minutes, and we’re going to get along beautifully.

What the Fuck Is This Movie?

Werewolf goon from the ritual is pawing at Stirba. I don’t blame him! She tells him to go get their new daughter. It’s that black chick who ate those guys from the club.

Stirba asks that goon if she pleases him, and he rips her top off. Now we’re getting somewhere. Oh, and it was pleasing to the dude, of course. He isn’t a dummy.

Wait. Hold on. What’s she doing?

OH.

Hello.

Well. There they are.

Sybil’s got the boobs out, and this is getting good now. It only took 36 minutes to get to this point, but it’s wonderful.

Okay, I’m adding a star to the Boobs score. Don’t judge me.

★★★☆☆ BOOBS.

Three stars. Not because there’s an overwhelming quantity, but because Sybil Danning understands quality control.

Wait. Are they…

Oh.

Okay. We’re having werewolf sex now. And it ended before it began.

Our hero crew is now investigating some dead body in the road while other people stand around. And then they leave, and Stefan looks worried. Oh shit, that hag ain’t dead! She’s a werewolf! Christopher Lee pounced on her and stabbed her right through the heart. Badass!

Stefan leaves, and Ben and Jenny are driving off now, then BAM, there’s a damn werewolf in the backseat and Ben lights his ass up with some bullets. Well, not his ass, his chest really, but same principle.

Look at the reflexes on Ben! He’s gotten to be a good shot, but he was a foot away, so I guess it wasn’t that impressive.

And we are right back to werewolf sex.

Not sexy werewolf sex. This looks like three people lost a fight with a carpet warehouse. Why are they growling at each other? Why is there so much hair? Is this supposed to be erotic?

Why would you give us Sybil Danning in all her glory, then cover her up with this HIDEOUS fur shit for this type of scene? What the fuck was the director thinking here?! How do you screw this up?

I feel like I should apologize to my wine.

I’m writing “furry nonsense” on my review sheet. There. Professional criticism.

You’re welcome, Theia.

The Horror Problem

I should mention something, considering this is supposed to be a horror movie.

This isn’t scary. At all.

The original Howling had Rob Bottin’s werewolf effects that the trailer made look somewhat respectable for horror. This movie has…

Well…

those.

Look at that fucking thing. That’s not a werewolf. That’s what happens when somebody leaves Chewbacca in the dryer.

★☆☆☆☆ HORROR.

If one of these showed up in my bedroom tonight, I’d ask what convention it escaped from.

I Have Lost the Plot

Ben and Jenny are getting it on, but we’re not allowed to see anything. Meanwhile, there’s werewolves outside that can smell them, and apparently that turns them on.

The threesome is still going on too.

Alright, I’m picking up the remote again. This shit has gotten boring in a hurry.

SYBIL DANNING.

She’s dressed in a sexy outfit, but at least it’s not goofy fur this time. Progress is being made.

Sorry. What were we talking about?

I feel like this movie has been playing for six hours, and also thirty minutes. It’s weird. It’s been 58.

I gotta stop fast-forwarding. Stirba can shoot red lasers out of her fingers and has a glowing cape. She popped some dude’s eyes out with her beams, and that was pretty gnarly.

I guess Jenny was captured at some point. I didn’t fucking see it. I don’t think it was fast-forwarded. I shut my eyes for a minute or five… it happens when a movie is this damn boring.

Jenny’s chained up and her mouth is gagged, so there’s an improvement for her. That goon from the threesome is chanting over her and rubbing blood on her armpits. This dude’s a freak and a creep.

Ben and Stefan are reunited and plotting a game plan to take down Stirba and rescue Jenny. We have 24 minutes left, and presumably we might finally get back to some action.

Oh, there’s the band again.

I FUCKING KNEW IT.

How many times are we going to hear this song?

You know what? It’s growing on me.

🎵 The Howling… 🎵

Now it’s serving as the soundtrack to a werewolf orgy, and THANK GOODNESS they’re in human form this time. We got more random tits, and that’s redeeming this film.

Stirba’s there, but she isn’t partaking in showing the goods. Bummer. She’s just watching, and the scene keeps getting interrupted by shots of the band.

Is this a movie or a music video?

You Have Sybil Danning. USE HER.

Here’s where I get annoyed.

Movie. Come here. We need to talk.

You have Sybil fucking Danning playing an ancient werewolf queen. Do you understand the gift you’ve been given?

She should own this movie. Every time she shows up, I perk up. She has exactly the presence this ridiculous material needs, and somehow you’ve made her feel underused.

How?!

I wanted more Stirba. More Sybil. More ridiculous costumes. More scenery chewing. More tits.

The Final Battle, I Think

We’re confronting Stirba. Here we go. Christopher Lee versus Sybil Danning. This is what I’ve been waiting for.

There’s some glowy bullshit happening and, I guess, some telepathetic nonsense. Now Stirba is this old hag again, and she’s calling Stefan her brother.

Now she’s Sybil again.

What the fuck is happening?

There goes Stirba.

Well.

That’s disappointing.

You had Sybil Danning as a werewolf queen, and that’s all we’re doing? I wanted her on top of a castle throwing flaming werewolves at people with tits out in all their glory. I wanted Reb Brown suplexing one off a balcony. I wanted Lee shouting ancient incantations while Sybil laughed maniacally.

And we got that?

It wasn’t even a fight.

Lazy and disappointing.

Halloween

Ben and Jenny survived, and apparently we’re doing a little Halloween epilogue now.

There’s a kid in a werewolf costume. Very cute.

Is he actually a werewolf? Maybe?

There’s a creepy priest.

I don’t know.

Honestly, movie, you’ve lost me.

Roll credits.

The Credits

🎵 The Howling… 🎵

There’s that fucking song again.

Wait.

They’re showing Sybil again.

Nice. Good choice.

And there’s Sybil ripping open her top again. I mean, we already saw it, but I’m not complaining.

More credits. More clips.

Wait.

Didn’t we just see this shot?

…

There it is again.

Okay, movie. I get it. You found your best footage.

I agree.

…

AGAIN?!

How many fucking times are you going to show this?!

There’s Sybil.

THERE’S SYBIL AGAIN.

Oh my gods.

THEY’RE JUST GOING TO KEEP DOING IT.

Who edited these credits? Somebody looked at the finished movie and said, “You know what this needs? That one shot of Sybil Danning exposing her tits seventeen fucking times.”

And yes, seventeen is the number. I’m crying. This may be the greatest admission of defeat in cinematic history.

“We know the movie’s over. Here’s Sybil Danning’s tits again. We know it’s what you watched this trash for.”

THANK YOU.

…

THERE SHE IS AGAIN!

Half a star added emotionally.

Not officially. Theia has rules about these things.

Final Thoughts

So. Howling II: Your Sister Is a Werewolf.

Could’ve been so much more. That’s what bothers me.

This movie has Christopher Lee hunting werewolves in Transylvania, Sybil Danning as an immortal werewolf queen, bizarre rituals, punk music, terrible monsters, and enough sleaze to stock a video-store shelf. The ingredients are fucking magnificent.

But the movie never figures out what to do with them. The horror doesn’t work. The werewolves aren’t frightening. The story is a mess. The editing seems actively hostile toward comprehension. And worst of all, they waste Sybil Danning.

Not completely. Obviously. I have eyes.

But Stirba should have been the center of this glorious disaster. Give me eighty minutes of decadent werewolf-queen camp with Christopher Lee desperately trying to restore order. Instead, we get flashes of the movie Howling II could have been, and then credits that show Sybil’s boobs seventeen times as if they’re apologizing.

Apology accepted.

Partially.

HORROR: ★☆☆☆☆
One star. Werewolves should not make me want to scratch them behind the ears.

CHEESE: ★★☆☆☆
Two stars. Plenty of ridiculous shit here, but the movie keeps approaching glorious trash and backing away before it commits.

Cowards.

BOOBS: ★★★☆☆
Three stars. We get some nudity elsewhere, but let’s not bullshit each other. This category belongs to Sybil, and apparently the filmmakers agreed, because THEY SHOWED US THE SAME SHOT SEVENTEEN TIMES.