Movie reviews from Titanquisitor. Classic films, new releases, and everything in between — reviewed without a political agenda and without telling you how to feel about them. Every review closes with Theia’s Decree, our five star rating scale for film.
Critics hated it, audiences stayed away, and I couldn't care less. Death to Smoochy remains my favorite comedy ever made, thanks to Robin Williams going completely off the rails, Edward Norton playing the world's most sincere fuchsia rhino, and one very unfortunately shaped batch of cookies.
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The Nun's Story is one of Audrey Hepburn's greatest performances and one of the most overlooked films of her career. Patient, beautiful, and devastating. Available free on Tubi.
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Howard Hawks' Sergeant York is exactly the kind of movie that used to get made and doesn't anymore. Gary Cooper's Oscar-winning performance makes this one worth every minute.
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Warrior Queen arrives in the Dungeon with stock footage, a wasted Sybil Danning, and Donald Pleasence committing fully to his paycheck. The Never-Ending Countdown gets its first rankings movement.
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The Dungeon opens with Deathstalker, the 1983 Roger Corman sword and sorcery film that defines the genre at its most unfiltered. Theia condemns it. Thalia has feelings about Lana Clarkson. The Never-Ending Countdown begins.
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This week on Throwback Thursday, I review First Kid. It's one of those 90s Disney comedies that actually holds up. Sinbad is funny, the chemistry with Brock Pierce works, and the nostalgia hits hard if you grew up with it.
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The Memorial Day countdown reaches its last new review at #3. We Were Soldiers covers the Battle of Ia Drang in 1965 with the respect and emotional weight it deserves. Mel Gibson, Sam Elliott, and the entire cast are extraordinary. Full review.
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The Memorial Day countdown reaches #4. Oliver Stone served in Vietnam and spent ten years trying to get Platoon made. That urgency is in every frame. Tom Berenger, Willem Dafoe, and Charlie Sheen are all exceptional. Full review.
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The Indian in the Cupboard had one of the best premises of any 90s kids movie. Toys coming to life as real people with real histories. It just never had the nerve to follow through on what it set up.
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The Memorial Day countdown continues with #5. Hacksaw Ridge tells the true story of Desmond Doss, the unarmed medic who saved 75 men at Okinawa. Mel Gibson directs it with ferocity. Andrew Garfield is extraordinary. Full review.
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The Memorial Day countdown rolls on with #6. Full Metal Jacket is two movies in one. The Parris Island half is Kubrick at his absolute peak. The Vietnam half is excellent on its own terms. Both together are essential viewing.
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Our Memorial Day countdown continues with a review of The Longest Day. This beast covers D-Day from every angle with one of the greatest casts ever assembled. It's three hours of old Hollywood ambition that still holds up.
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Patton isn't really a war film in the traditional sense. It's a character study of one of history's most complicated military minds, anchored by George C. Scott's all-time great performance.
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Midway got written off by critics in 2019 and that was mostly unfair. Roland Emmerich's Pacific War epic is flawed but worth your time, especially around this Memorial Day weekend and the lead up to it.
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Terence Young directs Audrey Hepburn in the most underappreciated film of her career — a claustrophobic thriller that ranks among the best ever made, with one of the great villain performances from Alan Arkin.
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William Wyler directs Audrey Hepburn and Gregory Peck in the film that made her a star. Charming, beautiful, and honest enough to skip the fairy tale ending. A perfect film.
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Stanley Donen directs Cary Grant and Audrey Hepburn in their only film together — a mystery thriller dressed up as a romantic comedy, and one of the most underrated films of the 1960s. The Audrey Hepburn Rewatch series rolls on, this time doubled up as the fourth Throwback Thursday feature.
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Blake Edwards directs Audrey Hepburn as Holly Golightly in one of the most iconic performances in cinema history. Charming, beautiful, and a little melancholy in all the right ways.
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William Wyler directs Audrey Hepburn and Shirley MacLaine in one of the darker films either actress ever made. A child's malicious lie destroys two women's lives, and the ending doesn't pull its punch.
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Mel Gibson at his peak, Jodie Foster at her most charming, and one of the most likable supporting casts of the nineties. Maverick (1994) is still an absolute blast.
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