Night Train had Danny Glover, Steve Zahn, and Leelee Sobieski and still managed to be one of the most boring and incoherent thrillers of 2009. A good premise squandered completely. The bottom of the Leelee Sobieski filmography. Continue reading Night Train Review (2009)
Sabotage wants to be Training Day and a classic Arnold shoot em’ up at the same time. It fails at both. One of the most boring Schwarzenegger films ever made, and that is really saying something. Continue reading Sabotage (2014) Review
It is a futile endeavor to review a movie directed/produced by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the duo responsible for such “classics” as Epic Movie, Date Movie, Vampires Suck, Meet the Spartans, and the Scary Movie franchise. This movie is what it is. Nothing I say will discourage those who like this sort of thing to knock it off, and those who weren’t going to … Continue reading The Starving Games Review
79 A.D was a very bad year for the city of Pompeii. One of the worst natural disasters of the ancient world occurred as a killer Volcano named Vesuvius erupted and wiped out thousands upon thousands of lives. So now I guess enough time has passed to attempt to turn that tragedy into a silly romantic popcorn movie. I’m game anyway. Too bad that trashy … Continue reading Pompeii Review
Imagine if Sex and the City had been written by gay women about straight men instead of by gay men about straight women. Three best friends make a pact to not enter a relationship and just be tail chasing besties who share an apartment in New York City, but of course all of them wind up falling in love with one lady or another and … Continue reading That Awkward Moment Review
This is without a doubt the laziest of all the Halloween movies. Even part three, as misguided as it was, at least tried to be creative. Halloween: Resurrection can’t be bothered with the formalities of either the franchise it represents or decent storytelling in general. For the past half dozen or so flicks, Michael Myers sole reason for continuing on was to finish the job … Continue reading Halloween: Resurrection Review
Only John Carpenter knows what he was thinking when he agreed to let Tommy Lee Wallace helm this strange non-sequel (which he both wrote and directed) which is the third entry into his iconic Halloween series. The plot, in as much of a nutshell as I can come up with is this: Michael Myers was (to be ret-conned in future films) burned to smithereens at … Continue reading Halloween 3: Season of the Witch Review
This was the first movie of the series to be filmed by New Line Cinema, and boy did they take some liberties here. Like I said in one of the earlier reviews, this was basically Friday the 13th’s version of “Halloween 3: Season of the Witch”, that being a disconnected mess that has almost no continuity with the rest of the series whatsoever (not that … Continue reading Friday The 13th Part 9: Jason Goes to Hell Review
I almost wish I could review this one in two parts, as it really is two different movies. For the first half of its running time, Die Another Day is one of the best James Bond movies I’ve ever seen. For the second half of the movie, it is one of the worst, as it absolutely falls off a cliff. We start off with an … Continue reading Die Another Day Review
Paul Kersey had the worst damn luck of perhaps any movie character in history. I would say tied with John McLane, but all McLane had to worry about was getting trapped in the occasional building. Kersey repeatedly has loved ones mowed down in gruesome life scarring ways. At the time of this movie he is officially a grandpa aged gentleman looking, once again to settle … Continue reading Death Wish V: The Face of Fear Review
Some movies that you see and love as a child should be left in your childhood and never revisited as an adult, lest you tarnish those memories. No Holds Barred is just such a movie. I knew going in that this movie was not going to be a classic by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn’t fully prepared for just how bad it … Continue reading No Holds Barred Review
If the people who ran World Wrestling Entertainment were as inept at what they do as the producers of this movie were at making a comedy, that form of entertainment would have went out of business decades ago. Ready to Rumble is a wrestling movie produced in conjunction with a wrestling company, that did in fact go out of business from being that inept, and … Continue reading Ready to Rumble Review
We picture the west in vast panoramas, great big blue skies, open prairies, with miles upon miles of amazing, yet challenging and often life threatening terrain, symbolizing opportunity and risk, the “Manifest Destiny” of the 19th century and the quintessential “American Dream” of the 20th century, all punctuated by a booming Elmer Bernstein soundtrack and Big John Wayne smiling at us from afar atop his … Continue reading A Million Ways To Die In The West Review
Richard Roeper, who you may remember as the former television partner of the late Roger Ebert of ‘Ebert and Roeper’ fame, writes in his review of ‘The Monuments Men’ that this is a “solid albeit slow building film with few dull moments.” I like to imagine if Roger were still alive (and never lost his ability to speak,) and ‘Ebert and Roeper’ were still on … Continue reading The Monuments Men Review
I had been hearing about this film for quite some time. Having made its run of the festival circuits in 2011 to a pretty good response I was surprised to see it take close to two years to get it’s theatrical release. Though with Wingard and Barrett’s involvement with the well received horror anthology V/H/S/, it seemed that the film was actually gaining momentum in … Continue reading You’re Next Review
Based on the popular video game series by the same name, Resident Evil is about the Umbrella Corporation and their secret biological experiments. Living in the house above “The Hive,” Alice (Jovovich) awakens following an accident down below. Long story short, a specially trained commando team (which includes Rodriguez) is sent in by Umbrella to assess the situation and shut down the supercomputer that runs … Continue reading Resident Evil Review
What a painfully bad movie this is. Who wrote this crap? Stephen King took credit for this? You’re kidding me? The same guy that wrote shit like Misery, The Shining, Carrie, and The Green Mile? What did who do wrong here? Basically what we have, is these two people, a mother and son. Only they aren’t humans, they’re what’s known as sleepwalkers. No, not the … Continue reading Sleepwalkers Review
Vin, Vin, Vin, Vin. What were you thinking? You’re an action guy. You blow shit up. It’s all good to try and do comedy, because comedy kicks ass, but…this was…not good. Diesel stars as Lt. Shane Wolfe, a Navy SEAL trained to fight in the most dangerous and impossible situations known to man. So imagine his surprise when he is told he must “baby-sit” the … Continue reading The Pacifier Review
Here’s a fact I defy anyone to challenge. No movie, television show, book or any other piece of fictional entertainment containing a main character named “Rory” has ever been any good. I will personally shake the hand of anyone who can find evidence to convince me otherwise. (Provided said person is willing to pay for their own travel, lodging, and food if the journey to … Continue reading The Words Review
Besides the subpar acting, one thing stood out as the downfall of what could have and should have been a wonderful movie- the directing. So I wasn’t too surprised when I looked up Marcus Nispel on the Internet Movie Database and found that the only thing he’d ever directed was music videos; and boy does that show. Pathfinder is filled with cameras shaking and rapid … Continue reading Pathfinder Review
