The Lion King looks innocent enough. Then Level 2 introduces precision jumps, hippo asses, monkey puzzles and one absolutely infuriating ostrich. I made it through Aladdin just fine. Simba broke me before I even reached Level 3.
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Warrior Queen arrives in the Dungeon with stock footage, a wasted Sybil Danning, and Donald Pleasence committing fully to his paycheck. The Never-Ending Countdown gets its first rankings movement.
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Bart vs. The Space Mutants was bad when I was a kid and it's still bad today. I played it anyway because it's what I had. Some things don't improve with age.
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Night Train had Danny Glover, Steve Zahn, and Leelee Sobieski and still managed to be one of the most boring and incoherent thrillers of 2009. A good premise squandered completely. The bottom of the Leelee Sobieski filmography.
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Sabotage wants to be Training Day and a classic Arnold shoot em' up at the same time. It fails at both. One of the most boring Schwarzenegger films ever made, and that is really saying something.
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It is a futile endeavor to review a movie directed/produced by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer, the duo responsible for such "classics" as Epic Movie, Date Movie, Vampires Suck, Meet the Spartans, and the Scary Movie franchise. This movie is what it is. Nothing I say will discourage those who like this sort of thing to knock it off, and those who weren’t going to see it anyway would still be wise to remain on that trajectory. That said, I write all this since I did happen to watch this movie…
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79 A.D was a very bad year for the city of Pompeii. One of the worst natural disasters of the ancient world occurred as a killer Volcano named Vesuvius erupted and wiped out thousands upon thousands of lives. So now I guess enough time has passed to attempt to turn that tragedy into a silly romantic popcorn movie. I’m game anyway. Too bad that trashy 50s B-Movie vibe clashes with the modern corporate CGI fest that this movie descends into, but that’s the least of our worries here. Our hero Milo…
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Imagine if Sex and the City had been written by gay women about straight men instead of by gay men about straight women. Three best friends make a pact to not enter a relationship and just be tail chasing besties who share an apartment in New York City, but of course all of them wind up falling in love with one lady or another and their pact needlessly complicates what would otherwise be simple commonsense relationship progression. It may be possible to combine the genres of raunch-com and…
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This is without a doubt the laziest of all the Halloween movies. Even part three, as misguided as it was, at least tried to be creative. Halloween: Resurrection can’t be bothered with the formalities of either the franchise it represents or decent storytelling in general. For the past half dozen or so flicks, Michael Myers sole reason for continuing on was to finish the job he started when he was just a little boy one Halloween night---murdering his entire family. Depending on which chronology…
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Only John Carpenter knows what he was thinking when he agreed to let Tommy Lee Wallace helm this strange non-sequel (which he both wrote and directed) which is the third entry into his iconic Halloween series. The plot, in as much of a nutshell as I can come up with is this: Michael Myers was (to be ret-conned in future films) burned to smithereens at the end of Halloween II---and is thus nowhere to be seen in this movie which may or may not take place in an entirely different universe…
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This was the first movie of the series to be filmed by New Line Cinema, and boy did they take some liberties here. Like I said in one of the earlier reviews, this was basically Friday the 13th’s version of “Halloween 3: Season of the Witch”, that being a disconnected mess that has almost no continuity with the rest of the series whatsoever (not that the previous entries were big sticklers for continuity mind you). Although for continuity freaks, this movie is the set up to Freddy vs. Jason…
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I almost wish I could review this one in two parts, as it really is two different movies. For the first half of its running time, Die Another Day is one of the best James Bond movies I’ve ever seen. For the second half of the movie, it is one of the worst, as it absolutely falls off a cliff. We start off with an excellent opening action scene with Bond taking on an entire North Korean army and almost getting away, followed by a creative use of the title sequence as Madonna’s Die Another Day…
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Paul Kersey had the worst damn luck of perhaps any movie character in history. I would say tied with John McLane, but all McLane had to worry about was getting trapped in the occasional building. Kersey repeatedly has loved ones mowed down in gruesome life scarring ways. At the time of this movie he is officially a grandpa aged gentleman looking, once again to settle down with his girlfriend, but of course said girlfriend winds up getting attacked, this time by local mobsters and left with…
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Some movies that you see and love as a child should be left in your childhood and never revisited as an adult, lest you tarnish those memories. No Holds Barred is just such a movie. I knew going in that this movie was not going to be a classic by any stretch of the imagination, but I wasn’t fully prepared for just how bad it was going to be. That said, if this movie does not contain cherished childhood memories it is so laughably bad that it is perversely entertaining. Hulk Hogan, who plays Rip…
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If the people who ran World Wrestling Entertainment were as inept at what they do as the producers of this movie were at making a comedy, that form of entertainment would have went out of business decades ago. Ready to Rumble is a wrestling movie produced in conjunction with a wrestling company, that did in fact go out of business from being that inept, and this movie while not a major moment, was definitely a bump in the road to their eventual demise, especially considering the star of this…
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We picture the west in vast panoramas, great big blue skies, open prairies, with miles upon miles of amazing, yet challenging and often life threatening terrain, symbolizing opportunity and risk, the “Manifest Destiny” of the 19th century and the quintessential “American Dream” of the 20th century, all punctuated by a booming Elmer Bernstein soundtrack and Big John Wayne smiling at us from afar atop his trusty mount. Seth MacFarlane pictures the west as a giant sweaty pile of cow manure with no…
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Richard Roeper, who you may remember as the former television partner of the late Roger Ebert of ‘Ebert and Roeper’ fame, writes in his review of ‘The Monuments Men’ that this is a “solid albeit slow building film with few dull moments.” I like to imagine if Roger were still alive (and never lost his ability to speak,) and ‘Ebert and Roeper’ were still on the air that right after Roeper dared utter that nonsensical line on the show that Ebert would pick up a nearby phonebook and thwack him in…
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I had been hearing about this film for quite some time. Having made its run of the festival circuits in 2011 to a pretty good response I was surprised to see it take close to two years to get it's theatrical release. Though with Wingard and Barrett's involvement with the well received horror anthology V/H/S/, it seemed that the film was actually gaining momentum in the time before it's release. Unfortunately I never got a chance to see the film before it left theaters but did manage to check…
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Based on the popular video game series by the same name, Resident Evil is about the Umbrella Corporation and their secret biological experiments. Living in the house above “The Hive," Alice (Jovovich) awakens following an accident down below. Long story short, a specially trained commando team (which includes Rodriguez) is sent in by Umbrella to assess the situation and shut down the supercomputer that runs the underground laboratory before the virus is unleashed on the outside world. As you’d…
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What a painfully bad movie this is. Who wrote this crap? Stephen King took credit for this? You’re kidding me? The same guy that wrote shit like Misery, The Shining, Carrie, and The Green Mile? What did who do wrong here? Basically what we have, is these two people, a mother and son. Only they aren’t humans, they’re what’s known as sleepwalkers. No, not the people who get up and walk around while they are asleep, but rather some sort of giant, hairless dog looking things that suck the life force…
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