The latest installment of Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular has arrived, and our resident goddess of chaos has accomplished something that nobody in the Halls of Titanquisitor ever thought possible. She has awarded a movie the highest honor in her personal rating system.
That’s right, folks. Nightmare Sisters (1988) has earned the coveted five-star Orgasmic rating in Thalia’s Decree, and Thalia couldn’t be happier with herself.
Unfortunately, her older sister has just discovered the review.
Now, Theia takes her responsibilities as Titanquisitor’s goddess of cinema very seriously. She believes in thoughtful criticism, respectable standards, and maintaining at least a shred of editorial dignity. Thalia, on the other hand, believes that a movie featuring Linnea Quigley, Brinke Stevens, and Michelle Bauer deserves to be celebrated for entirely different reasons.
And somewhere between those two philosophies sits Gary, a man who simply wanted to play a little video game in peace.
Something tells us his morning is about to get considerably more interesting.
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Well, that went about as well as anyone could have expected.
Theia is furious, Titan is laughing himself into oblivion, Gary is desperately trying to maintain his composure, and Thalia is presumably somewhere celebrating the greatest cinematic achievement of her reviewing career.
As for the mysterious condition of that five-star rating parchment, we’re afraid some questions are better left unanswered.
Perhaps Maddie should introduce a new rule requiring all official rating documents to be submitted dry.
Catch up with Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular for more cinematic madness, and join us next time for another adventure in the Halls of Titanquisitor!
