Night of the Demons “Review” (1988): Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular Day 4
Director: Kevin S. Tenney
Writer: Joe Augustyn
Starring: Cathy Podewell, Amelia Kinkade, Linnea Quigley, Hal Havins, Alvin Alexis, William Gallo, Jill Terashita
Runtime: Approximately 90 minutes
Genre: Supernatural Horror / Halloween / Glorious ’80s Nonsense
Editor’s Warning: Thalia’s reviews contain spoilers, profanity, questionable observations, and an increasingly concerning definition of legitimate film criticism.
Hello again, my beautiful degenerates! Welcome to Day 4 of Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular, where I continue my heroic journey through thirteen horror movies so that you, dear reader, can experience the very finest in blood, boobs, cheese, and terrible fucking decisions!
We’ve already had werewolves, resurrected witches, possessed sorority girls, and a shower scene with sound effects that nearly killed me. Honestly, I don’t know how much more excitement one woman can take, but I’m willing to find out!
Tonight’s selection is Night of the Demons, directed by Kevin S. Tenney, starring the lovely Linnea Quigley, and taking place on Halloween night in a creepy abandoned funeral home.
Now THAT sounds promising!
I’ve got my wine, a fresh bucket of popcorn, and a whole evening ahead of me. Theia is somewhere coloring, Titan is probably eating something he shouldn’t, and Gary has apparently decided that allowing me to continue this feature is preferable to admitting he made a mistake.
Wonderful!
LET’S WATCH SOME FUCKING DEMONS!
Oh, I like these opening credits! We’ve got spooky animated imagery, a haunted house, skeletons, creepy music, and all sorts of wonderful Halloween nonsense. This is already putting me in the mood!
And now there’s some ridiculous car with a pumpkin on the roof.
What the hell is this?
HAHAHAHA! LOOK AT THESE IDIOTS!
We’ve got a pirate, some guy wearing a pig nose, and they’re blasting music and generally behaving like the sort of assholes who get murdered first in horror movies.
And there’s an old man walking down the street.
Oh, leave him alone, you little shits!
Wait.
WAIT!
HAHAHAHA! HE’S MOONING THE OLD MAN THROUGH A FUCKING PICTURE FRAME!
OH MY GOD!
That’s so unbelievably stupid!
I LOVE IT!
And now another guy is scaring him with a fake rat!
HAHAHAHA!
The old man is absolutely furious, and honestly, I don’t blame him. He’s just trying to get home with his groceries, and these little bastards are treating his afternoon like a comedy show.
Oh, here’s a sweet girl offering to help him pick everything up.
See? There are still decent people in the world.
AND HE CALLS HER A WHORE?!
EXCUSE ME?!
SIR! SHE’S TRYING TO HELP YOU!
What a miserable old prick!
And now he’s shoving razor blades into apples?!
Well, aren’t you just a ray of fucking sunshine!
I hope you choke on one of those things!
Anyway, we’ve got some girl named Judy getting ready for a Halloween party. There’s some business about a boyfriend, another guy named Sal, and her little brother being a pain in the ass. Standard teenage bullshit.
Apparently they’re all going to a party at an abandoned funeral home.
Of course they are.
Nobody in these movies ever throws a perfectly normal party at somebody’s house with pizza and a television.
Nope! It’s always a slaughterhouse, a haunted mansion, or a goddamn cemetery!
Well, HELLO THERE!
Oh, we’re at a convenience store now.
Wait.
Well, HELLO THERE!
HAHAHAHA! OH MY GOD!
We’ve barely walked through the fucking door and the camera is already staring at some blonde girl’s ass!
She’s bent over in this little pink dress, showing off a lovely pair of white panties, and the camera is just… staying there!
IT’S NOT EVEN PRETENDING TO LOOK AT THE GROCERIES!
HAHAHAHA!
Oh, I like this director!
What’s she looking for down there, anyway? Because I’m pretty sure the camera crew has completely forgotten.
And look at those two idiots behind the counter! They’re enjoying the view every bit as much as I am!
Wait, who’s the blonde?
Hang on.
IS THAT LINNEA FUCKING QUIGLEY?!
OH, YOU BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!
I KNEW THIS WAS GOING TO BE A GOOD MOVIE!
And apparently this whole performance is a distraction so her friend can shoplift the party supplies?
HAHAHAHA! THAT’S FUCKING BRILLIANT!
She’s stealing everything that isn’t nailed down while the clerks stand there admiring the scenery!
And now Linnea’s asking about sour balls?!
OH, I’M GOING TO LOVE THIS WOMAN!
We’re ten minutes into this fucking movie, and I’ve already discovered that the director understands the importance of establishing a strong opening impression.
THEIA! THIS IS CALLED VISUAL STORYTELLING!
What? I’m not shouting!
I’m appreciating the director’s artistic decisions!
Anyway, we’ve met Suzanne, played by the lovely Linnea Quigley, and her friend Angela, who’s apparently the one throwing this party. Angela looks wonderfully gothic and mysterious, and I suspect she has some very interesting things hidden in her bedroom.
Probably candles.
Possibly skulls.
Definitely some records Theia wouldn’t approve of.
Oh, these two are going to be fun!
Welcome to Hull House! Population: Soon to Be Reduced
All right, we’ve arrived at Hull House, and would you LOOK at this fucking place!
Oh, that’s wonderful!
It’s this enormous, decaying funeral home surrounded by a cemetery, with a big wall around the property and enough cobwebs to keep a thousand spiders employed.
I love the atmosphere here! The lighting is beautiful, everything’s dark and creepy, and the building actually looks like somewhere you’d expect terrible things to happen.
Apparently there’s some dreadful history involving murders, bodies, and a rather unpleasant funeral director.
And there’s an underground stream surrounding the place that’s supposed to keep evil spirits from crossing.
Huh.
That’s interesting.
Probably nothing to worry about!
Oh, and there’s a coffin inside!
WHY WOULD YOU HAVE A PARTY IN A PLACE LIKE THIS?!
Actually, never mind. I would absolutely have a Halloween party here. Look at all these decorations! You wouldn’t even have to buy fake cobwebs!
We’ve got Angela, Suzanne, Judy, and a collection of teenagers who seem determined to make the worst possible decisions.
There’s one fellow called Stooge who hasn’t stopped being obnoxious since the movie started. I already want somebody to punch him.
And Rodger seems like a decent enough guy. He’s the preacher’s son, apparently, and isn’t particularly happy about all this occult business.
Well, Rodger, you may be the only person in this fucking building with any sense.
They’re dancing now!
Oh, I love this. Everybody’s having a good time, the music’s playing, and the house looks fantastic.
See? This is a proper Halloween party!
Wait.
The music stopped?
Oh, the batteries died.
Well, shit.
And now Angela wants everybody to participate in a séance.
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
OF COURSE SHE DOES!
You have beer, music, beautiful women, and an enormous creepy house to explore. WHY must we immediately start inviting the dead to join the festivities?!
Rodger doesn’t want anything to do with it.
GOOD FOR YOU, RODGER!
They’re all staring into a mirror now.
Apparently they’re supposed to concentrate until something happens.
Well, something’s happening.
Oh, that’s creepy!
The mirror’s turning black!
What the—
HOLY SHIT! WHAT WAS THAT FACE?!
AAAAAHHH!
THE MIRROR FUCKING EXPLODED!
Oh, that was a GOOD scare!
HAHAHAHA!
And now something’s moving downstairs?
Oh, wonderful.
Congratulations, everybody! Your party has officially gone to hell!
Literally, I suspect!
Oh No, Not Linnea!
Wait, something’s happening to Suzanne.
Oh, sweetheart, don’t go wandering off by yourself!
There’s some weird smoke coming out of that furnace, and—
Oh.
OH NO.
NOT LINNEA!
WE JUST GOT HER!
DAMMIT!
Is she possessed now?!
And she’s kissing Angela!
Well, hello!
Wait.
That didn’t look like an ordinary friendly kiss.
Did she just PASS THE FUCKING DEMON TO ANGELA?!
Oh, this is marvelous!
They’ve invented demonic cooties!
Now, I’m not going to pretend I understand exactly how this supernatural nonsense works, but apparently everybody who gets possessed starts behaving very strangely.
Which, to be fair, isn’t much different from how they were behaving before.
Oh, and Judy’s boyfriend Jay is being a complete asshole.
He’s angry because she won’t sleep with him?
Oh, sweetheart, fuck off.
And now he’s leaving her in a room by herself?!
YOU MISERABLE LITTLE SHIT!
I hope something horrible happens to you.
Preferably something involving your dick.
Meanwhile, Rodger is trying to get the hell out of the house.
GOOD!
GO!
GET OUT!
Oh, they can’t get through the gate?
Well, that’s unfortunate.
And now Helen is wandering off somewhere.
HELEN! DON’T!
Oh, never mind.
We’re losing people already.
I must say, though, I’m impressed by how creepy this movie can be when it wants to. The shadows, the strange camera movements, the way the house seems to swallow people up. There’s some genuinely stylish horror happening here.
And then somebody says something unbelievably stupid and reminds me what sort of movie I’m watching.
I love it!
Angela, Honey, Are You All Right?
Oh, what’s this?
Music?
Oh, look at Angela!
She’s dancing in front of the fireplace!
Wait.
WHAT IN THE FUCK IS SHE DOING?!
HAHAHAHA!
Look at her move!
She’s twisting and writhing around in front of the fire like some sort of gothic snake goddess!
OH, THIS IS WONDERFUL!
And the music! Bauhaus!
I love this!
It’s sexy, creepy, hypnotic, and just a little bit unsettling.
Actually, quite a LOT unsettling!
Angela’s got this strange expression on her face, and the lighting is making everything look like some kind of demonic music video.
You know what? This is genuinely cool filmmaking!
I don’t care what Theia says!
Oh, here’s Stooge.
Oh, no.
STOOGE!
DON’T!
SHE’S CLEARLY NOT HERSELF!
Well, apparently he’s joining the dance.
And now he’s kissing her.
Oh, this is going to end badly.
I can feel it.
…
SHE BIT HIS FUCKING TONGUE OFF?!
AAAAHAHAHAHA!
HOLY SHIT!
OH, THAT’S NASTY!
HAHAHAHA!
WELL, STOOGE, THAT’S ONE WAY TO SHUT YOUR FUCKING MOUTH!
And now he’s possessed too?!
Oh, this is getting better and better!
I have to give Kevin Tenney credit. That entire dance sequence was fantastic. The music, the lighting, Angela’s movements, and then that disgusting little payoff!
Wonderful!
Absolutely wonderful!
Oh, and did I mention I love this movie’s makeup effects?
Because I really do!
LINNEA! WHAT IN THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
Oh, there’s Suzanne again!
LINNEA, SWEETHEART!
Oh, honey, what happened to you? You look terrible!
Wait.
She’s sitting on the floor.
What’s she doing with that lipstick?
Oh, she’s taken her top off!
WELL, HELLO AGAIN, BEAUTIFUL!
And now she’s drawing lipstick circles around her chest.
HAHAHAHA! LINNEA! HONEY! THAT’S NOT WHERE LIPSTICK GOES!
Oh, this camera is taking its sweet fucking time, isn’t it?
I APPROVE!
Wait, what’s she doing now?
…
WHAT THE FUCK?!
WHERE DID THE LIPSTICK GO?!
SHE JUST SHOVED THE WHOLE FUCKING TUBE INTO HER BREAST?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH MY GOD!
WHAT KIND OF MAGNIFICENTLY DERANGED PERSON THOUGHT OF THAT?!
I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO APPLAUD OR CALL A PRIEST!
Rewinds.
HAHAHAHA! NOPE! STILL CAN’T BELIEVE THAT!
Linnea Quigley, you absolute gift to cinema!
Oh, and now I want to know how they actually accomplished that special effect, because that is some wonderfully bizarre practical-effects work.
I bet somebody had a very interesting day explaining THAT idea to the producers.
Anyway, I suppose we should get back to the movie.
Oh, look. Jay’s found Suzanne.
Ugh, this asshole again.
And she’s ripping open her dress!
THERE THEY ARE AGAIN!
HAHAHAHA!
JAY, YOU LUCKY BASTARD!
Now, I realize she’s demon-possessed. I’m not stupid. We’ve already seen the creepy shit happening to her, and I know perfectly well that getting involved with this woman is an absolutely terrible idea.
But COME ON!
She’s still fucking gorgeous!
And now she’s putting on quite the performance!
Honestly, at this point I think I could overlook a LITTLE demonic possession.
A LITTLE!
And Jay seems perfectly happy with the arrangement.
You know what, Jay? For once, I’m not even going to yell at you.
…
Wait.
What’s happening to her face?
Oh.
OH, FUCK.
NOPE! NOPE! NOT HOT ANYMORE!
JAY! GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE!
I TAKE IT BACK!
I TAKE EVERYTHING BACK!
THAT IS NOT THE SAME WOMAN YOU STARTED WITH!
OH, JESUS CHRIST, LOOK AT THOSE TEETH!
JAY!
MOVE!
AAAAAHHHHH!
SHE JUST POPPED HIS FUCKING EYES OUT!
HOLY SHIT!
HAHAHAHAHA!
OH, THAT’S FUCKING DISGUSTING!
SHE WENT FROM BOOBS TO EYEBALLS IN THIRTY SECONDS!
JIM WYNORSKI NEVER DID THAT TO ME!
Oh, this movie is WONDERFUL!
I was sitting here admiring Linnea Quigley, briefly considering whether demonic possession was really such a dealbreaker, and now I’m watching some poor bastard lose both his eyes!
KEVIN TENNEY, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
And for the record, Theia, I DID eventually recognize the danger.
I just needed a closer look first.
THERE’S A COFFIN IN YOUR SEX SCENE?!
Oh, look! Max and Frannie!
Well, hello, Frannie!
And what are these two doing?
Wait.
IS THAT A COFFIN?!
HAHAHAHA! YOU’RE FUCKING IN A COFFIN?!
OH MY GOD!
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE?!
There’s an entire funeral home full of rooms, and you decide that the most romantic spot in the building is a box designed for dead people?!
That’s a CHOICE!
And Frannie! Jill Terashita, you beautiful woman, you’ve certainly made an impression tonight!
I’ve been so distracted by Linnea Quigley and her demonic cosmetics that I’ve barely paid attention to anybody else!
Well, this is a rather memorable way to correct that oversight.
I suppose a coffin offers a certain amount of privacy, although personally I’d be worried about accidentally knocking the lid shut.
Oh, shit.
STOOGE!
NO!
DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!
LEAVE THEM ALONE!
THEY’RE BUSY!
…
OH, FUCK!
FRANNIE!
NOOOOO!
YOU ASSHOLE!
AND NOW MAX?!
HOLY SHIT!
THAT’S BRUTAL!
WAIT, HIS ARM?!
WHAT THE FUCK?!
OH MY GOD!
HAHAHAHA!
I’M SORRY! I’M SORRY!
I SHOULD NOT BE LAUGHING!
BUT WE JUST WENT FROM THE WORLD’S STRANGEST ROMANTIC ENCOUNTER TO AN ABSOLUTE SLAUGHTERHOUSE!
THIS MOVIE HAS NO RESPECT FOR MY EMOTIONAL WELL-BEING!
First Linnea nearly gives me a heart attack with the lipstick, then Jay gets his eyes gouged out, and now poor Frannie is dead!
CAN I PLEASE ENJOY ONE NICE THING WITHOUT SOME DEMON COMING ALONG AND RUINING IT?!
…
Oh, that’s a pretty good gore effect, though.
I have to admit.
That’s REALLY good.
Whoever’s responsible for these effects deserves a raise.
And possibly psychiatric evaluation.
But definitely a raise.
Well, This Party Has Gone Completely to Shit!
Okay, I think it’s safe to say the party is officially over.
We’ve got demons everywhere, people screaming, bodies turning up in unpleasant places, and Angela apparently enjoying herself tremendously.
Oh, and Rodger’s still hiding in his car!
HAHAHAHA!
SWEETHEART!
ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?!
Actually, stay there. You’ve made it this far!
Oh, wait.
Something just hit the roof!
HOLY SHIT! HELEN?!
AAAAAHHHH!
OH, POOR RODGER!
The man is trying to survive the night, and dead people are falling on his fucking car!
I’d like to point out that this is exactly why I prefer watching horror movies from the safety of my own Screening Room. The worst thing that’s going to fall on me in here is a bucket of popcorn.
Probably.
Unless Titan’s been messing with the ceiling again.
Anyway, people are running everywhere now, and the demons look AMAZING!
Seriously, look at those faces!
The makeup effects are fantastic! The lighting makes everything even creepier, and there are some wonderful shots of the possessed characters floating and stalking through the hallways.
This is GOOD SHIT!
Oh, Sal’s fighting Angela!
COME ON, SAL!
GET HER!
…
OH, FUCK!
HE’S IMPALED?!
DAMMIT!
I was starting to like you!
At least Judy and Rodger are still alive.
And now they’re hiding in the crematorium.
THE CREMATORIUM?!
YOU MEAN THE PLACE WHERE THE DEMONS CAME FROM?!
Well, I suppose at this point one terrible hiding place is as good as another.
Wait.
Gas pipe?
Fire?
OH, YES!
BURN THOSE FUCKERS!
HAHAHAHA!
LOOK AT THEM GO!
…
They’re still moving?
OH, COME ON!
CAN’T ANYBODY STAY FUCKING DEAD IN THESE MOVIES?!
I JUST WENT THROUGH THIS WITH ORVILLE KETCHUM!
I AM NOT DOING THIS AGAIN!
Oh, they’re running for the wall!
COME ON!
COME ON, YOU TWO!
And the demons are right behind them!
LOOK AT THOSE THINGS!
JUDY! CLIMB!
RODGER! HELP HER!
Oh, they’ve got her legs!
NO!
NO, NO, NO!
DON’T YOU FUCKING DARE!
PULL HER UP!
PULL HER THE FUCK UP!
YES!
YES!
THE SUN’S COMING UP!
HAHAHAHA!
LOOK! THEY’RE DISINTEGRATING!
GOOD MORNING, YOU EVIL BASTARDS!
WE FUCKING MADE IT!
Oh, that was wonderful!
I actually got nervous there!
And good for Rodger! He wanted absolutely nothing to do with that séance, spent half the movie trying to get away from everybody, and still managed to help Judy escape when it mattered.
I like that man!
He can come watch movies with me anytime.
Provided he doesn’t mind a little shouting.
HAHAHAHA! OH, YOU MISERABLE OLD BASTARD!
Well, that’s it!
Judy and Rodger survived, the demons are gone, and everybody can finally go home.
That was a great little Halloween movie!
Wait.
We’re not done?
Oh, there’s the miserable old man from the beginning!
Remember him? The asshole putting razor blades in apples?
What’s he doing?
Oh, he’s sitting down for breakfast.
Apple pie!
That looks nice.
Wait.
…
WAIT A FUCKING MINUTE.
THE APPLES!
HE PUT FUCKING RAZOR BLADES IN THE APPLES!
AND HIS WIFE MADE A PIE!
OH MY GOD!
NO!
NO, DON’T EAT THAT!
HAHAHAHA!
HE’S EATING IT!
HE’S EATING HIS OWN FUCKING RAZOR BLADES!
OH MY GOD!
AAAAHAHAHAHA!
THERE’S A FUCKING BLADE COMING OUT OF HIS THROAT!
HOLY SHIT!
THAT’S DISGUSTING!
AND NOW HIS WIFE IS JUST WALKING OVER AND KISSING HIM?!
“HAPPY HALLOWEEN, DEAR!”
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, THAT IS FUCKING BRILLIANT!
I LOVE IT!
I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOVE IT!
You miserable old prick!
You spent the beginning of the movie being horrible to everybody, tried to poison the neighborhood children with razor blades, and ended up eating your own fucking trap!
THAT’S WHAT YOU GET!
And his wife just wishes him a happy Halloween!
HAHAHAHA!
Oh, I’m dying!
I need a minute.
Thalia puts down her wine and spends considerably longer than a minute laughing.
Okay.
Okay.
I think I’m all right.
Nope.
HAHAHAHA!
THE FUCKING PIE!
That might be my favorite ending of the countdown so far!
Thalia’s Final Thoughts
Well, my beautiful degenerates, THAT was a fucking Halloween movie!
I came into Night of the Demons expecting some enjoyable late-’80s trash, a few decent kills, and hopefully a memorable appearance from Linnea Quigley. What I got was a genuinely atmospheric horror movie that also happens to be wonderfully ridiculous, surprisingly nasty, and completely unashamed of its own excesses.
I love the look of this thing. Hull House is a fantastic setting, the lighting is beautiful, and there are some genuinely creative camera movements that make the building feel haunted even before the demons start tearing everybody apart. The animated opening is great, the music is excellent, and Angela’s dance in front of the fireplace is one of those wonderfully strange scenes that sticks in your head long after the credits roll.
And the special effects!
OH, THE SPECIAL EFFECTS!
Tongues getting bitten off, eyes getting gouged out, grotesque transformations, severed limbs, demons being set on fire, and that absolutely glorious lipstick trick!
Linnea Quigley, you beautiful, magnificent woman. I cannot adequately express how much joy your performance brought me tonight. The convenience-store distraction, the increasingly bizarre behavior, the lipstick, the transformation, the eyeballs… you were an absolute delight!
And poor Frannie! Jill Terashita certainly deserved a better fate than having her romantic evening interrupted by a homicidal demon in a pig nose.
Actually, EVERYBODY deserved better than that.
Well, except Jay.
Fuck Jay.
The movie does have its problems. Some of these characters are so irritating that I nearly cheered when the demons came after them, and the dialogue occasionally sounds like it was written by somebody who’d never had a conversation with another human being. There are also a few stretches where people wander around the house doing stupid things simply because the movie needs them to.
But you know what? I didn’t care!
I was entertained!
More importantly, I was genuinely creeped out at times, and the finale actually had me rooting for Judy and Rodger to survive. That’s something I can’t say about every horror movie we’ve watched so far.
And that ending!
THE FUCKING APPLE PIE!
I’m going to be laughing about that for days.
So thank you, Kevin Tenney. Thank you for making a Halloween movie that understands you can have atmosphere, creative gore, bizarre sexual humor, excellent music, and complete stupidity all in the same package.
And thank you, Linnea Quigley, for continuing to make my life a little more wonderful.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to finish my review scroll before Theia comes looking for it.
What?
Yes, Theia, I watched the entire movie!
NO, I DIDN’T FAST-FORWARD!
I EVEN REWOUND SOMETHING!
What did I rewind?
…
Research.
IMPORTANT CINEMATIC RESEARCH!
Oh, fuck off!
Thalia’s Ratings
Horror: ★★☆☆☆ —More cheesy than scary. Some great practical effects and creepy moments, but nothing that genuinely terrified me.
Cheese: ★★★★★ — Delightfully fucking stupid! Demonic dancing, ridiculous teenagers, bizarre makeup tricks, and that glorious razor-blade apple pie!
Boobs: ★★★☆☆ — Excellent quality, disappointing quantity. Linnea Quigley delivers, and Jill Terashita earns us an extra star thanks to a little Asian Inflation!
I came for a ridiculous Halloween horror movie, and I got one that actually delivered the goods. Creepy atmosphere, inventive kills, a fantastic soundtrack, wonderfully weird performances, and one of the greatest fucking apple-pie punchlines I’ve ever seen.
And somewhere along the way, Linnea Quigley performed a cosmetic trick that may have permanently altered my understanding of cinema.
