Tubi Tuesday: Three Films Worth Your Time This Week — Halloween Edition
Halloween is almost here, and if you’ve been following Titanquisitor throughout October, you’ve probably noticed that we’ve been celebrating the season with a rather questionable collection of horror movies, murderous monsters, beautiful women, and enough bad decisions to keep an entire psychiatric department employed.
And that’s just Thalia with her Spook-n-Boobtacular.
For this week’s Tubi Tuesday, we’re abandoning any remaining pretense of respectability and embracing three movies that would have looked right at home on the shelves of a wonderfully disreputable 1980s video store. We’ve got chainsaw-wielding hookers, the Mistress of the Dark wandering around a haunted castle, and a mad scientist whose attempts to resurrect his girlfriend involve some decidedly unconventional replacement parts.
It’s horror. It’s comedy. It’s gloriously stupid. And in at least two cases, it’s probably not something you want to watch with your grandmother.
Unless you’ve got a particularly cool grandmother.
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers (1988)
Horror/Comedy • 1h 15m
Sometimes you encounter a movie title so magnificent that you don’t really need to know anything else about it. Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is one of those titles.
You’ve got Hollywood. You’ve got chainsaws. You’ve got hookers. What more could a reasonable person possibly want?
Directed by Fred Olen Ray, this wonderfully ridiculous 1988 horror comedy stars Jay Richardson as Jack Chandler, a private detective hired to locate a missing young woman named Samantha. His investigation takes him through the seedier corners of Los Angeles, where he eventually discovers that a group of prostitutes has developed a rather unusual religious devotion to chainsaws.
Yes, religious devotion.
Apparently, ordinary prostitution wasn’t exciting enough, so these ladies have joined an Egyptian-inspired cult that worships an ancient deity and performs human sacrifices using power tools. I don’t know what the membership requirements are, but I imagine the insurance premiums must be astronomical.
The cult is led by a mysterious figure played by Gunnar Hansen, whom horror fans will immediately recognize as the original Leatherface from The Texas Chain Saw Massacre. That’s a wonderfully appropriate bit of casting, considering his previous experience with chainsaws and their unfortunate effects on the human body.
And then we’ve got Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer.
Oh, my goodness.
Quigley plays Samantha, the missing woman Chandler has been searching for, while Bauer plays Mercedes, one of the cult’s particularly enthusiastic members. Both actresses were fixtures of the 1980s low-budget horror scene, and both understood exactly what kind of movie they were making.
Neither woman is here to deliver a solemn examination of Egyptian mythology.
They’re here to look fantastic, have fun, and occasionally threaten somebody with a chainsaw.
And they’re very good at it.
There’s something genuinely charming about the sheer audacity of movies like Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers. Nobody involved seems particularly concerned about making respectable cinema. The budget is tiny, the acting ranges from surprisingly entertaining to wonderfully questionable, and the entire production has the unmistakable atmosphere of people who realized they could make a movie about chainsaw-wielding prostitutes and decided that was a perfectly reasonable way to spend their time.
I respect that.
The movie also leans heavily into the private detective genre, with Chandler delivering hard-boiled narration while stumbling through a story that would probably make Raymond Chandler reconsider his career choices. It’s a clever little touch, giving the film something resembling a noir structure while the surrounding madness becomes increasingly absurd.
And of course, there’s the nudity.
Lots of it.
This is unapologetically exploitation cinema, and pretending otherwise would be rather like recommending Jaws without mentioning the shark. The film knows exactly what audience it’s trying to entertain, and it makes absolutely no effort to disguise that fact.
But beneath the sleaze and silliness, there’s an affection for old-fashioned B-movie filmmaking that I find hard to resist. The filmmakers work with what they’ve got, embrace the ridiculousness of their premise, and deliver a movie that moves quickly enough that you’re never left wondering why you bothered.
Well, you might wonder what the hell you’re watching.
That’s different.
Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers is certainly not for everybody, but if you enjoy outrageous horror comedies, 1980s exploitation films, and the kind of movies that would have made your parents confiscate your video rental card, there’s plenty to enjoy here.
And remember, as the movie’s wonderfully ridiculous tagline reminds us, these ladies charge an arm and a leg.
Apparently, that’s not just a figure of speech.
Elvira’s Haunted Hills (2001)
Horror/Comedy • 1h 30m
A few weeks ago, we featured Elvira: Mistress of the Dark in Tubi Tuesday, and I made no secret of my affection for Cassandra Peterson’s wonderfully mischievous creation. She’s funny, she’s gorgeous, she’s got a personality big enough to fill an entire haunted mansion, and she’s been making horror entertainment considerably more enjoyable for decades.
So naturally, we’re bringing her back for Halloween.
This time we’re heading to Elvira’s Haunted Hills, the 2001 horror comedy that serves as the second feature film starring everyone’s favorite Mistress of the Dark.
And if the original Elvira movie was a fish-out-of-water comedy about a glamorous horror hostess arriving in a conservative little town, Haunted Hills takes a very different approach.
We’re going Gothic.
Set in 1851, the story follows Elvira and her maidservant Zou Zou as they travel through the Carpathian Mountains on their way to Paris, where Elvira hopes to perform in a can-can revue. Unfortunately, their travel arrangements leave something to be desired, and the pair eventually find themselves seeking shelter at a mysterious castle owned by Lord Vladimere Hellsubus.
Now, personally, if somebody introduced himself as Lord Hellsubus and invited me to spend the night in his creepy old castle, I’d probably reconsider my accommodations.
But then we wouldn’t have much of a movie, would we?
The castle is filled with the usual assortment of Gothic horror ingredients: strange noises, mysterious family members, dark secrets, suspicious servants, and a lord who seems to have a few issues that probably aren’t going to be resolved through healthy communication.
Making matters even more interesting, Elvira bears an uncanny resemblance to the lord’s deceased wife.
I’m sure that’s nothing to worry about.
Richard O’Brien, best known for The Rocky Horror Picture Show, plays Lord Vladimere, and he’s an excellent choice for a movie that spends so much time affectionately mocking old-fashioned horror melodrama. He throws himself into the role with the sort of theatrical enthusiasm that makes every ominous declaration considerably funnier than it probably should be.
Cassandra Peterson, meanwhile, does what Cassandra Peterson does best.
She delivers wisecracks, makes inappropriate observations, flaunts her considerable charms, and generally behaves like the only person in the entire castle who realizes how ridiculous everything is.
And that’s precisely why Elvira works.
She’s surrounded by characters who take themselves and their gloomy circumstances terribly seriously, while she wanders through the proceedings with the attitude of a woman who has seen enough horror movies to know exactly how stupid everybody is being.
The movie is also a loving parody of the Gothic horror films associated with Roger Corman and Edgar Allan Poe, particularly the elaborate castle-bound melodramas that filled theaters during the 1960s. If you’re familiar with Vincent Price’s old horror pictures, you’ll recognize plenty of the atmosphere and conventions being affectionately sent up here.
And if you’re not familiar with them, don’t worry. Elvira will still have something inappropriate to say about practically everything.
What I especially appreciate about Haunted Hills is that it doesn’t simply repeat the original movie. Instead, it gives Elvira an entirely different kind of playground, surrounding her with elaborate costumes, creepy castle interiors, and characters who seem determined to take their own absurdity seriously.
It’s not quite as memorable as Elvira: Mistress of the Dark, at least for me, but that’s a pretty high standard. The original has a special charm that isn’t easily duplicated, and Haunted Hills deserves credit for trying something different rather than recycling the same story.
Besides, any movie that gives us ninety minutes of Elvira making jokes in a haunted castle is already doing something right.
And there’s something particularly fitting about including this one in our Halloween edition. Cassandra Peterson has spent decades making horror fun, welcoming audiences into a world of monsters, bad movies, outrageous jokes, and wonderful silliness.
She’s one of those entertainers who understands that horror doesn’t always have to be frightening to be worthwhile.
Sometimes it just needs a beautiful woman in a black dress making terrible jokes.
And thank goodness for that.
Frankenhooker (1990)
Horror/Comedy/Sci-Fi • 1h 24m
You know, I’ve always thought Frankenstein was a fascinating story about science, morality, death, and the dangers of mankind attempting to play God.
Apparently, director Frank Henenlotter looked at that same story and thought, “What if we rebuilt the monster using dead prostitutes?”
And thus, Frankenhooker was born.
Released in 1990, this wonderfully deranged horror comedy stars James Lorinz as Jeffrey Franken, an aspiring scientist and electrical experimenter whose life takes a rather unfortunate turn when his fiancée, Elizabeth, is killed in a bizarre lawnmower accident.
And when I say bizarre, I mean the sort of accident that could only happen in a movie directed by the man responsible for Basket Case and Brain Damage.
Jeffrey is understandably devastated by the loss of his beloved Elizabeth, but rather than accepting her death and attempting to move forward with his life, he decides to take a somewhat less conventional approach.
He’s going to bring her back.
Unfortunately, Elizabeth’s accident has left him with a rather limited selection of usable body parts, so Jeffrey concludes that he’ll need to acquire some replacements.
And where does an enterprising young mad scientist go shopping for replacement female anatomy?
Apparently, New York City’s red-light district.
I don’t recall that particular chapter from Mary Shelley’s novel.
Jeffrey’s plan involves collecting body parts from prostitutes, assembling a new body for Elizabeth, and using electricity to restore her to life. Naturally, things become considerably more complicated when his experiments involve a homemade drug that causes people to explode.
Yes, explode.
And not in the metaphorical sense.
The movie is filled with exactly the sort of outrageous practical effects and disgusting comedy you’d expect from Henenlotter, who has always demonstrated a remarkable talent for taking a completely ridiculous premise and pushing it considerably further than any reasonable filmmaker would consider necessary.
But what really makes Frankenhooker memorable is Patty Mullen as Elizabeth.
Once Jeffrey’s experiment finally succeeds, Elizabeth returns to life with a rather unusual collection of physical characteristics and behavioral problems. Her movements are awkward, her speech is wonderfully strange, and her attempts to navigate the world result in some of the funniest scenes in the movie.
Mullen is absolutely terrific in the role, throwing herself into the physical comedy with an enthusiasm that makes Elizabeth far more entertaining than a simple monster parody has any right to be.
And then there’s Jeffrey.
James Lorinz plays him with the perfect combination of scientific obsession, emotional instability, and complete obliviousness to how spectacularly insane his entire plan has become. He’s the sort of fellow who can look at a room full of severed body parts and think, “Yes, this is definitely going to solve my relationship problems.”
Somebody probably should have suggested grief counseling.
Of course, that wouldn’t have given us a movie called Frankenhooker.
What I enjoy about Henenlotter’s films is their complete lack of embarrassment. He understands that he’s making outrageous exploitation comedies, and he doesn’t waste time trying to dress them up as something more respectable.
The effects are disgusting, the humor is frequently tasteless, and the entire story operates according to a logic that probably wouldn’t survive five minutes of serious examination.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
There’s also a surprisingly affectionate quality beneath all the madness. Jeffrey genuinely loves Elizabeth, even if his methods of expressing that love involve grave-robbing, illegal experiments, and enough electricity to power a small neighborhood.
It’s a twisted little love story buried beneath an avalanche of dismemberment jokes.
How romantic.
And if you’re already familiar with Henenlotter’s other work, you’ll recognize his fascination with grotesque bodies, outsiders, and people whose attempts to satisfy their desires result in spectacularly unpleasant consequences.
Frankenhooker might be his most accessible movie, although I realize that’s a rather questionable word to use when discussing a film involving exploding prostitutes and a reanimated woman assembled from spare parts.
Let’s just say it’s one of his most entertaining.
If you enjoy outrageous practical effects, dark comedy, and movies that absolutely refuse to behave themselves, Frankenhooker belongs on your Halloween watchlist.
Just don’t get any ideas about home improvement projects involving lawnmowers.
Or electricity.
Or dead hookers.
Actually, maybe just watch the movie.
That’s your Tubi Tuesday for this week, and what a wonderfully disreputable Halloween edition we’ve assembled. We’ve gone from chainsaw-wielding prostitutes to Elvira wandering through a haunted castle before finishing with a mad scientist attempting to rebuild his girlfriend using parts that probably weren’t covered by any manufacturer’s warranty.
Three movies, no subscription required, and enough nudity, terrible decisions, and glorious B-movie nonsense to make the entire month of October worthwhile.
And if anybody complains that these aren’t respectable Halloween movies, I have a simple response.
Who the hell said they had to be respectable?
This is Titanquisitor, dammit. We’re here to have fun.
Happy Halloween!
Tubi Tuesday runs every week here at Titanquisitor, so check back next Tuesday for three more movies worth watching. And if you’ve got a Tubi hidden gem that deserves a spotlight, drop it in the comments below.
