Frankenhooker (1990) Review — Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular Day 9
Directed by: Frank Henenlotter
Released: 1990
Runtime: Approximately 85 minutes
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING TO ME ANYMORE!
I REALLY DON’T!
We’re nine days into Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular, and I have witnessed some truly extraordinary things.
I’ve seen beautiful women attacked by shopping-mall security robots. I’ve suffered through strip-club lighting so atrocious that I attempted to have the technicians prosecuted for obstruction of titties. I’ve watched Michelle Bauer and Linnea Quigley fight each other with fucking chainsaws.
And, of course, I’ve experienced the Sacred Bathtub.
THE BATHTUB IS SACRED!
THE BATHTUB IS ETERNAL!
THE BATHTUB—
NO!
NOT TONIGHT!
BECAUSE TONIGHT WE HAVE SOMETHING ELSE!
EXPLODING PROSTITUTES!
A MAD SCIENTIST WITH A FUCKING ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER!
A DEAD WOMAN WHO GETS TURNED INTO A TOSSED SALAD!
AND ONE OF THE FUNNIEST FUCKING PERFORMANCES I’VE EVER SEEN IN A HORROR COMEDY!
WELCOME TO DAY NINE OF MY SPOOK-N-BOOBTACULAR, MY DARLINGS!
Tonight we’re watching Frank Henenlotter’s Frankenhooker (1990), a magnificently deranged little comedy about a young scientist who accidentally kills his fiancée with a remote-controlled lawnmower and decides the best way to bring her back is to assemble a new girlfriend from the remains of several New York prostitutes.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
THAT’S THE FUCKING MOVIE!
THAT’S THE ACTUAL PREMISE!
And somehow, my beautiful degenerates, that description doesn’t even begin to capture how ridiculous this thing gets.
Our leading man is James Lorinz as Jeffrey Franken, a lovesick, catastrophically misguided scientist whose inventions have a rather unfortunate habit of making life worse for everybody around him.
Our leading lady is the absolutely beautiful Patty Mullen as Elizabeth Shelley, Jeffrey’s unfortunate fiancée and eventual reanimated masterpiece.
And let me tell you something right now.
PATTY FUCKING MULLEN IS MAGNIFICENT!
We’ll get to her.
OH, WILL WE EVER FUCKING GET TO HER!
But first, my darlings, we must discuss the tragic death of Elizabeth Shelley.
And the fact that apparently nobody in New Jersey knows how to fucking describe a dead woman without comparing her to something you might find in your kitchen.
Pour your wine.
Prepare yourselves.
AND FOR THE LOVE OF OLYMPUS, STAY AWAY FROM THE FUCKING LAWNMOWER!
Jeffrey Franken: The World’s Most Questionable Scientist
Our movie opens with Jeffrey Franken conducting a fascinating scientific experiment.
He’s got a human brain.
He’s got a human eyeball.
AND APPARENTLY HE’S TRYING TO TEACH THE FUCKING THING TRICKS!
HAHAHAHA!
Look at him!
He’s waving his hand around, encouraging the eyeball to follow his movements, snapping his fingers, and talking to it like somebody trying to train a particularly stubborn puppy.
COME ON, LITTLE EYEBALL!
THAT’S IT!
FOLLOW THE NICE MAN’S HAND!
WHO’S A GOOD LITTLE EYEBALL?!
And then Jeffrey announces that he might give the poor thing a lobotomy.
A FUCKING LOBOTOMY?!
JEFFREY!
DARLING!
IT’S ONLY JUST LEARNED TO LOOK LEFT!
GIVE THE POOR FUCKER A MINUTE!
But just as our brilliant scientist appears to be making progress, Mrs. Shelley interrupts his groundbreaking research.
What could possibly be so important?
An emergency?
A terrible family crisis?
A matter of life and death?
NO!
SHE WANTS THE FUCKING KETCHUP!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, I LOVE THIS MOVIE ALREADY!
We’ve got a man performing experimental neurosurgery on a disembodied eyeball, and his future mother-in-law is worried about the condiments!
And that, my beautiful degenerates, is the tone we’re working with tonight.
Jeffrey Franken is a man capable of the most extraordinary scientific achievements imaginable.
But the people around him just want the fucking ketchup.
I’M GOING TO LIKE THIS FAMILY!
ONE STEP TO THE FUCKING LEFT, ELIZABETH!
We soon find ourselves at a pleasant suburban birthday barbecue in New Jersey, where Jeffrey is preparing to demonstrate his latest invention.
A remote-controlled lawnmower.
OH!
HOW WONDERFUL!
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY GO WRONG?!
Our lovely Elizabeth Shelley, played by Patty Mullen, is enjoying the festivities while Jeffrey proudly introduces his mechanical marvel.
And I must say, my darlings, the idea is rather clever.
A lawnmower you don’t have to push!
A machine that does all the work for you!
A wonderful convenience for the modern homeowner!
Unfortunately, Jeffrey appears to have overlooked one minor design consideration.
THE FUCKING THING WON’T STOP!
HAHAHAHA!
And now it’s heading straight toward Elizabeth!
OH, DARLING!
SWEETHEART!
MOVE!
MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASS!
There’s a runaway lawnmower heading directly toward our lovely Elizabeth, and what does this poor woman do?
SHE JUST STANDS THERE SCREAMING!
ELIZABETH!
ONE STEP!
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS TAKE ONE FUCKING STEP TO THE LEFT!
YOU’RE NOT BEING CHASED BY A TERMINATOR!
IT’S A FUCKING LAWNMOWER!
Thalia leaps halfway out of her throne, frantically pointing at the television.
LEFT, DARLING!
YOUR OTHER LEFT!
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
AND—
OH!
OH, SHIT!
WELL, THERE SHE FUCKING GOES!
Thalia stares at the screen.
…
SHE’S RAINING DOWN ON THE FUCKING BIRTHDAY PARTY!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
WHAT IS IT WITH THESE MOVIES AND MACHINES CUTTING DOWN BEAUTIFUL YOUNG WOMEN BEFORE I’VE EVEN HAD A PROPER CHANCE TO APPRECIATE THEM?!
FIRST THE KILLBOTS!
THEN THE CHAINSAWS!
NOW A FUCKING LAWNMOWER!
AND ALL SHE HAD TO DO WAS STEP ASIDE!
THIS PRETTY LITTLE BROAD HAD THE SURVIVAL INSTINCTS OF A FUCKING SQUIRREL!
…
NO!
SCRATCH THAT!
I APOLOGIZE TO SQUIRRELS EVERYWHERE!
THE FUCKING SQUIRREL WOULD’VE HAD ENOUGH SENSE TO MOVE OUT OF THE WAY!
BEFORE IMMEDIATELY DARTING BACK IN FRONT OF THE LAWNMOWER!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, poor Elizabeth.
You beautiful, unfortunate idiot.
And as if her death weren’t indignity enough, we now cut to a television news report.
Delivered by a perfectly serious female newscaster.
Who proceeds to describe the tragedy as though she’s reporting on the preparation of an unusually elaborate lunch.
Apparently Elizabeth has been reduced to a tossed human salad.
A SALAD!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
EXCUSE ME?!
DID THIS WOMAN JUST CALL ELIZABETH A FUCKING SALAD?!
And she doesn’t stop there!
Oh, no!
She explains that the police are still trying to gather up the remains!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
STOP!
STOP!
SHE WAS A PERSON!
NOT A FUCKING SIDE DISH!
WHAT ARE THE POLICE USING?!
TONGS?!
SOMEBODY GET THE CORONER A FUCKING SALAD BOWL!
And somehow, this entire situation gets EVEN BETTER.
Because the police are apparently having difficulty accounting for all of Elizabeth’s body parts.
Detective Anderson explains that some pieces are missing.
WELL, NO SHIT!
SHE GOT RUN OVER BY A FUCKING LAWNMOWER!
And how does our esteemed detective describe the situation?
A giant jigsaw puzzle.
…
A WHAT?!
A FUCKING JIGSAW PUZZLE?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
FIRST SHE’S A TOSSED SALAD!
NOW SHE’S A FUCKING JIGSAW PUZZLE!
WHAT’S NEXT?!
ARE THEY GOING TO PUT HER IN A BOX AND SELL HER AT WALMART?!
FIVE HUNDRED PIECES!
AGES TWELVE AND UP!
SOME ASSEMBLY REQUIRED!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
WE’RE BARELY INTO THE FUCKING MOVIE!
AND THE NEW JERSEY POLICE DEPARTMENT HAS ALREADY TURNED THIS POOR WOMAN INTO AN ACTIVITY BOOK!
Thalia collapses back into her throne, laughing.
FRANK HENENLOTTER, YOU MAGNIFICENT SICK BASTARD!
I THINK WE’RE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST FUCKING FINE!
The Most Romantic Head in New Jersey
Now, our poor Jeffrey is understandably devastated by Elizabeth’s death.
After all, he loved her.
He was going to marry her.
They were going to spend their lives together.
And then his own invention turned her into something the local news compared to a fucking tossed salad.
A terrible tragedy.
Fortunately, Jeffrey has a plan.
Because while the police are still trying to solve the world’s most disturbing jigsaw puzzle, our lovesick scientist has secretly preserved some of Elizabeth’s remains.
Including her head.
OH, HOW ROMANTIC!
HE’S GOT HIS GIRLFRIEND’S HEAD IN THE FUCKING LABORATORY!
HAHAHAHA!
And he doesn’t merely keep it there as a scientific specimen.
OH, NO!
JEFFREY STILL TAKES HER ON DATES!
He sits down to dinner.
He pours himself a glass of wine.
And then he decides to read his beloved Elizabeth a poem.
AWWWW!
LOOK AT THAT!
A ROMANTIC DINNER!
WINE!
POETRY!
A LOVING COUPLE!
NEVER MIND THAT ONE OF THEM IS CURRENTLY A FUCKING HEAD IN A JAR!
IT’S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!
And what’s the title of Jeffrey’s romantic masterpiece?
Warning, Contents Under Pressure.
…
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I’M SORRY!
ARE WE WRITING LOVE POETRY OR READING THE WARNING LABEL ON A FUCKING AEROSOL CAN?!
Oh, but it gets better.
Because Jeffrey’s poem involves him exploding with such force that his bones become shrapnel and his teeth fly through town killing innocent people.
OH, HOW BEAUTIFUL!
NOTHING SAYS TRUE LOVE LIKE TURNING YOURSELF INTO A FUCKING ANTIPERSONNEL WEAPON!
And the explosion somehow leaves the chapel standing.
HOW CONVENIENT!
EVERYBODY’S DEAD!
BUT THE WEDDING VENUE IS STILL AVAILABLE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, Jeffrey.
You beautiful, romantic, utterly deranged bastard.
Most men write about flowers.
You write about exploding teeth and mass casualties.
And yet, underneath all the lunacy, there’s something strangely sweet about this poor idiot.
He genuinely misses Elizabeth.
He wants her back.
HE JUST HAS ABSOLUTELY NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO PROCESS GRIEF LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING!
A Little Surgical Assistance
Now Jeffrey needs to figure out how to rebuild his beloved fiancée.
Naturally, this requires inspiration.
Some people seek inspiration through meditation.
Some go for long walks.
Some enjoy a cup of coffee.
Jeffrey?
HE GETS AN ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER AND STARTS DRILLING INTO HIS OWN FUCKING HEAD!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFFREY!
DARLING!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!
YOU’RE NOT TRYING TO FIX A KITCHEN CABINET!
THAT’S YOUR FUCKING BRAIN!
And he starts experimenting with different settings.
Level seven?
No.
Level twenty-one?
Still nothing.
Level twenty-two?
OH!
NOW WE’RE FUCKING TALKING!
WHAT IS THIS?!
A FUCKING RPG CHARACTER CREATION SCREEN?!
JEFFREY!
YOU CAN’T JUST PUT TWENTY-TWO POINTS INTO INTELLIGENCE!
HAHAHAHA!
And what’s the brilliant idea this medical miracle produces?
He’ll kidnap airline stewardesses.
By pretending there’s a maintenance issue.
Then he’ll get them into a van and tie them up with extension cords.
…
OH, THAT’S FUCKING BRILLIANT, JEFFREY!
ABSOLUTELY FOOLPROOF!
Fortunately, even Jeffrey realizes that this plan is completely ridiculous.
THANK OLYMPUS!
A MOMENT OF SELF-AWARENESS!
IT ONLY TOOK TWENTY-TWO FUCKING LEVELS OF BRAIN DAMAGE!
So he tries again.
And finally, inspiration strikes.
Why kidnap women when there’s an entire district of New York City filled with women willing to sell their services?
All he needs is some money.
And where will our brilliant scientist acquire the necessary funds?
HIS FUCKING CHRISTMAS CLUB ACCOUNT!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
MOST PEOPLE SAVE THEIR CHRISTMAS MONEY FOR PRESENTS!
A NICE SWEATER!
A NEW TELEVISION!
MAYBE A LITTLE SOMETHING FOR THE CHILDREN!
JEFFREY FRANKEN IS USING HIS CHRISTMAS SAVINGS TO REBUILD HIS DEAD GIRLFRIEND OUT OF PROSTITUTES!
WHAT THE FUCK DOES HE PUT ON THE WITHDRAWAL SLIP?!
REASON FOR TRANSACTION:
EXPERIMENTAL RESURRECTION AND HOLIDAY SHOPPING?!
HAHAHAHA!
And the beauty of all this is James Lorinz.
The man delivers these absolutely insane ideas with such wonderful conviction.
Every nervous twitch.
Every frantic calculation.
Every exasperated little expression.
HE REALLY THINKS HE’S THE ONLY SENSIBLE PERSON IN THE FUCKING MOVIE!
And I absolutely love him for it.
Welcome to New York, Jeffrey! Meet Poor Zorro!
Our scientist heads across the river into the wonderfully disreputable world of New York’s Times Square.
And here we meet one of my absolute favorite characters of the entire festival.
ZORRO!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL ZORRO!
Played by Joseph Gonzalez, this magnificent pimp is about to have the single worst business day in the history of prostitution.
AND HE DOESN’T EVEN FUCKING KNOW IT YET!
HAHAHAHA!
Jeffrey starts meeting the local working women, including the lovely Honey, Angel, Crystal, Chartreuse, Amber, and several others.
And what a collection of beautiful ladies they are!
We’ve got Charlotte Kemp!
Jennifer DeLora!
Heather Hunter!
Kimberly Taylor!
Lia Chang!
AND MORE!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
JEFFREY!
DARLING!
YOU HAVE DISCOVERED THE GREATEST FUCKING RECRUITMENT AGENCY IN NEW YORK CITY!
But Jeffrey isn’t interested in an ordinary evening of pleasure.
Oh, no.
He has scientific ambitions.
He’s examining possible replacement body parts for Elizabeth.
He’s taking measurements.
He’s making observations.
He’s calculating proportions.
AND HE’S GOT A FUCKING MARKER!
A MARKER!
HAHAHAHA!
THE MAN IS SHOPPING FOR BODY PARTS LIKE HE’S SELECTING PRODUCE AT THE GROCERY STORE!
And some of the women are understandably confused by his unusual approach.
One of them asks whether he’d like to take her temperature.
OOOOOH!
HELLO, DARLING!
And she bets he’s got a big thermometer!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
A BIG THERMOMETER?!
OH, THAT’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
One of the other women bursts out laughing, and honestly, sweetheart, I’M RIGHT THERE WITH YOU!
JEFFREY!
THE LADY HAS A MEDICAL QUESTION!
YOU’VE GOT CALIPERS, MEASURING TAPE, A MAGNIFYING GLASS, AND ENOUGH EQUIPMENT TO BUILD A FUCKING BRIDGE!
SURELY YOU CAN FIND A THERMOMETER!
ASIAN INFLATION HAS ENTERED THE FUCKING BUILDING!
OH!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
LOOK AT THIS FUCKING ROOM!
LOOK AT ALL THESE BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!
AND LOOK AT THE LIGHTING!
THE GLORIOUS FUCKING LIGHTING!
THE LIGHTS ARE ON!
THEY’RE ACTUALLY FUCKING ON!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
FRANK HENENLOTTER!
YOU BEAUTIFUL BASTARD!
YOU UNDERSTAND CINEMA!
After Stripped to Kill nearly drove me into a psychiatric institution with its endless red fog and flashing nightclub lights, we’ve now had two consecutive movies where the filmmakers understand a wonderfully simple principle.
IF YOU’RE GOING TO SHOW BEAUTIFUL WOMEN, LET THE AUDIENCE FUCKING SEE THEM!
Fred Olen Ray figured it out yesterday.
Frank Henenlotter has figured it out tonight.
SOMEBODY SEND KATT SHEA A FUCKING LIGHT BULB!
And Jeffrey is certainly taking advantage of the situation.
He’s studying breasts.
He’s examining legs.
He’s investigating backsides.
AND THE CAMERA IS LINGERING!
OH, IS IT EVER FUCKING LINGERING!
TITS!
ASS!
MORE TITS!
MORE ASS!
JEFFREY, DARLING, TAKE YOUR FUCKING TIME!
THIS IS IMPORTANT SCIENTIFIC RESEARCH!
At one point, we get a magnificent close-up while Jeffrey conducts an extremely thorough examination with his magnifying glass.
A FUCKING MAGNIFYING GLASS!
HAHAHAHA!
AND WHAT’S HIS PROFESSIONAL ASSESSMENT?!
UDDERLY AWESOME!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
UDDERLY?!
OH, YOU MAGNIFICENT BASTARD!
AND THEN HE STARTS TALKING ABOUT BUOYANCY!
BUOYANCY?!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING, JEFFREY?!
BUILDING A GIRLFRIEND OR TESTING A FUCKING LIFE RAFT?!
I LOVE THIS MAN!
I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOVE HIM!
And then—
Wait.
WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE.
Thalia slowly lowers her wine glass.
IS THAT…?
I THINK IT MIGHT BE…
OH!
OH, SWEET OLYMPUS!
HOLY FUCKING SHIT, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN!
WE HAVE AN ASIAN!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
CRYSTAL!
MY DARLING!
WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN HIDING?!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
OUR LOVELY LIA CHANG HAS ENTERED THE FUCKING PICTURE!
And look at that!
LOOK AT THOSE BEAUTIFUL TITS!
AND THAT ASS!
OH, MY GOODNESS!
Jeffrey examines Crystal with the concentration of a man conducting the most important scientific investigation of his career.
And then he marks his selection.
“EXCELLENT.”
EXCELLENT INDEED, JEFFREY!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
FOR ONCE IN YOUR MISERABLE SCIENTIFIC CAREER, YOU AND I ARE IN COMPLETE FUCKING AGREEMENT!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING!
THIS MOVIE WAS ALREADY APPROACHING FIVE FUCKING STARS FOR BOOBS!
BUT HOLD!
THE!
FUCKING!
PHONE!
ASIAN INFLATION HAS RETURNED!
MADDIE!
MADDIE, GET YOUR BEAUTIFUL LITTLE ARCHIVIST ASS IN HERE!
WE HAVE A FUCKING EMERGENCY!
MADDIE: “What happened?”
FIVE STARS FOR BOOBS!
PLUS ONE STAR FOR ASIAN INFLATION!
EQUALS—
SEVEN FUCKING STARS!
MADDIE: “Six.”
WHAT?!
MADDIE: “Five plus one is six.”
WELL, FUCK ME SIDEWAYS!
I DIDN’T MAKE THE FUCKING RULES!
…
WAIT!
YES, I DID!
AND WHAT A WONDERFUL FUCKING RULE IT IS!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
SIX STARS FOR BOOBS!
SEVEN FOR THE MOVIE!
WRITE IT DOWN!
MADDIE: “You haven’t finished watching the film.”
NEITHER HAS JEFFREY FINISHED EXAMINING THE WOMEN!
NOW GET OUT OF MY FUCKING WAY!
I’M WATCHING SCIENCE!
And my darlings, I must confess something.
This isn’t the Sacred Bathtub.
NOTHING IS THE SACRED BATHTUB!
That remains an eleven-star monument to the greatest achievements of Nightmare Sisters.
But this?
THIS IS ONE OF THE MOST GLORIOUSLY ENTERTAINING ANATOMY LESSONS I’VE EVER FUCKING ATTENDED!
And I don’t want it to end!
Unfortunately, Jeffrey has other plans.
SUPER-CRACK! OR THE WORST FUCKING PARTY IN NEW YORK CITY!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
I DON’T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH, CRY, OR CALL THE FUCKING FIRE DEPARTMENT!
Because our lovely ladies have discovered Jeffrey’s experimental Super-Crack.
And they’re not particularly interested in listening when the scientist starts begging them not to smoke it.
OH, GIRLS!
DARLINGS!
I WOULDN’T DO THAT IF I WERE YOU!
But they’re having the time of their lives!
The music is playing.
The women are dancing.
The whole room is becoming one enormous, outrageous fucking party.
TITS!
ASS!
BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVERYWHERE!
AND THE FUCKING LIGHTS STILL WORK!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
THIS IS HEAVEN!
THIS IS ABSOLUTE FUCKING HEAVEN!
And then two of our lovely ladies begin kissing.
OOOOOH!
HELLO, DARLINGS!
WELL, THIS IS A DELIGHTFUL DEVELOPMENT!
But Jeffrey?
JEFFREY STARTS FUCKING COMPLAINING!
He’s insisting that their behavior isn’t natural.
UNNATURAL?!
UNNATURAL?!
JEFFREY!
YOU KEEP YOUR DEAD GIRLFRIEND’S HEAD IN A FUCKING JAR!
YOU DRILL INTO YOUR OWN SKULL WITH AN ELECTRIC SCREWDRIVER!
YOU INVENTED A DRUG THAT MAKES HUMAN BEINGS EXPLODE!
AND TWO BEAUTIFUL WOMEN KISSING IS WHERE YOU DRAW THE FUCKING LINE?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And then he compares them to cats with catnip!
CATS WITH CATNIP?!
DARLING, YOU GAVE THEM SUPER-CRACK!
WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?!
A FUCKING BOOK CLUB?!
A QUIET EVENING OF BRIDGE?!
I’M FUCKING DYING!
AND THE WOMEN ARE HAVING A WONDERFUL TIME!
Meanwhile, outside the room, poor Zorro is pacing around wondering what the hell is happening to his girls.
OH, ZORRO!
MY DARLING!
YOU POOR, POOR BASTARD!
HE HAS NO IDEA!
And Jeffrey is beginning to panic.
Really panic.
He’s begging the women to stop smoking.
He’s screaming that they’re going to die.
He’s warning everybody that someone is about to blow.
OH, JEFFREY!
DARLING!
WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU PUT IN THAT STUFF?!
Thalia takes a satisfied sip of wine.
Well, I’m sure everything will be fine.
Look at the girls!
They’re beautiful!
They’re happy!
They’re having such a wonderful—
Wait.
What’s wrong with Angel?
DARLING?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?!
Jeffrey begins shouting.
WHAT?!
SHE’S GOING TO WHAT?!
SHE’S GOING TO BLOW?!
And poor Angel?
She’s beginning to feel rather warm.
OH, SWEETHEART!
I DON’T THINK THAT’S THE FUCKING THERMOSTAT!
JEFFREY!
DO SOMETHING!
BOOM!
…
…
OH!
OH, FUCK!
SHE FUCKING EXPLODED!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
SHE ACTUALLY FUCKING EXPLODED!
ONE MINUTE SHE’S HAVING A WONDERFUL EVENING!
THE NEXT MINUTE SHE’S FUCKING CONFETTI!
OH, THAT POOR WOMAN!
BOOM!
WAIT!
WHAT?!
ANOTHER ONE?!
BOOM!
OH, COME ON!
BOOM!
STOP!
STOP FUCKING EXPLODING!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFFREY!
YOU BEAUTIFUL FUCKING IDIOT!
I HAD AN ENTIRE ROOMFUL OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!
I HAD TITS!
I HAD ASS!
I HAD ASIAN INFLATION!
I HAD FUNCTIONING FUCKING LIGHTING!
AND NOW YOU’RE TURNING MY FIVE-STAR NUDITY EXTRAVAGANZA INTO A FUCKING FIREWORKS DISPLAY!
Another explosion erupts.
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
THEY’RE EVERYWHERE!
BODY PARTS ARE FLYING ALL OVER THE FUCKING ROOM!
THIS ISN’T A PARTY ANYMORE!
IT’S A FUCKING DEMOLITION DERBY!
AND MY BEAUTIFUL CRYSTAL!
OH, DARLING!
NOT YOU TOO!
SHE’S BEEN REDUCED TO LITTLE PIECES!
MADDIE!
DOES ASIAN INFLATION STILL COUNT IF THE CHARACTER HAS FUCKING EXPLODED?!
MADDIE: “The rating applies to the performance, Thalia.”
GOOD!
BECAUSE I’M NOT FUCKING REVOKING IT!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Meanwhile, Zorro is still outside trying to get into the room.
HE’S POUNDING ON THE DOOR!
HE’S SCREAMING!
HE WANTS TO KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING IN THERE!
ZORRO!
DARLING!
YOU DON’T WANT TO KNOW!
TRUST ME!
YOU REALLY DON’T FUCKING WANT TO KNOW!
The door bursts open.
OH!
HE’S COMING IN!
ZORRO!
NO!
WHAM!
…
…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
HE JUST GOT HIT IN THE FUCKING HEAD WITH A FLYING HEAD!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HE CAME TO CHECK ON HIS GIRLS!
AND ONE OF HIS GIRLS CHECKED HIM RIGHT THE FUCK OUT!
OH, YOU POOR BEAUTIFUL BASTARD!
HE’S UNCONSCIOUS!
HE’S BEEN KNOCKED OUT BY HIS OWN FUCKING INVENTORY!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thalia is doubled over, laughing so hard she can barely breathe.
THE MAN HAS LOST HIS ENTIRE WORKFORCE!
HIS BUSINESS IS IN PIECES!
LITERALLY!
AND THE FIRST EMPLOYEE HE MANAGES TO SEE KNOCKS HIM UNCONSCIOUS!
OH, ZORRO!
YOU DESERVE A VACATION!
A PAID VACATION!
WITH HAZARD PAY!
AND A WORKERS’ COMPENSATION CLAIM THE SIZE OF NEW FUCKING JERSEY!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jeffrey Franken’s Customer Service Department
And then, my darlings, something truly extraordinary happens.
The explosions have stopped.
The room is a bloody disaster.
The beautiful women who were dancing only moments earlier are now scattered around in an assortment of spare parts.
And Jeffrey Franken?
HE STARTS FUCKING APOLOGIZING TO THEM!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
HE’S HOLDING A STAFF MEETING!
WITH THE FUCKING BODY PARTS!
He’s assuring everybody that he’s going to put them back together.
He’s promising that everything will be all right.
HOW FUCKING THOUGHTFUL!
But there’s one small condition.
Elizabeth goes first.
OF COURSE ELIZABETH FUCKING GOES FIRST!
SO HIS GIRLFRIEND GETS PRIORITY SERVICE, AND EVERYBODY ELSE HAS TO TAKE A FUCKING NUMBER?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFFREY!
DARLING!
THESE WOMEN JUST EXPLODED!
AND NOW THEY’RE ON A FUCKING WAITING LIST?!
WHAT IS THIS?!
THE NEW JERSEY DEPARTMENT OF MOTOR VEHICLES?!
He keeps reassuring the scattered remains.
Everything will be fine.
Everybody needs to relax.
RELAX?!
RELAX?!
HALF OF THEM DON’T EVEN HAVE THEIR FUCKING HEADS ATTACHED!
HOW MUCH MORE RELAXED DO YOU WANT THEM?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And now he’s taking everybody on a little trip to New Jersey.
A LITTLE TRIP!
HOW LOVELY!
OH, GIRLS!
YOU’RE GOING ON VACATION!
NEVER MIND THAT YOU’RE TRAVELING IN FUCKING GARBAGE BAGS!
DOES THE PACKAGE INCLUDE BREAKFAST?!
ARE THERE COMPLIMENTARY TOILETRIES?!
DO THE SEVERED LEGS GET WINDOW SEATS?!
And Jeffrey is going to treat everybody with his wonderful estrogen-based serum.
HE’S GOT A PLAN!
HE’S GOT MEDICAL SUPPLIES!
HE’S GOT AN ENTIRE COLLECTION OF DISMEMBERED WOMEN!
AND HE’S PROVIDING THE WORLD’S MOST BIZARRE FUCKING CUSTOMER SERVICE EXPERIENCE!
“WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE! YOUR RESURRECTION IS VERY IMPORTANT TO US! PLEASE REMAIN ON THE LINE!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Then he starts collecting the pieces.
One at a time.
Into plastic bags.
OH, JEFFREY!
YOU MAGNIFICENT FUCKING LUNATIC!
And when he mentions the Chinese girl, I nearly lose my mind all over again.
CRYSTAL?!
MY DARLING?!
OH, THANK OLYMPUS!
HE FOUND YOU!
JEFFREY!
YOU BETTER MAKE SURE YOU GET ALL HER FUCKING PIECES!
I’VE GOT AN ASIAN INFLATION BONUS RIDING ON THIS!
Thalia wipes tears of laughter from her cheeks.
I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING LIKE THIS!
A MAN HAS ACCIDENTALLY EXPLODED AN ENTIRE ROOM OF WOMEN, KNOCKED THEIR PIMP UNCONSCIOUS WITH A FLYING HEAD, AND THEN OFFERED THE REMAINS A TRIP TO NEW JERSEY!
THIS IS FUCKING CINEMA!
Bunions! The Greatest Scientific Emergency of Our Time!
Eventually Jeffrey returns to his laboratory with his rather unusual collection of souvenirs.
MOST PEOPLE COME HOME FROM NEW YORK WITH A T-SHIRT!
A POSTCARD!
MAYBE A LITTLE SNOW GLOBE!
JEFFREY HAS RETURNED WITH ENOUGH HUMAN BODY PARTS TO STOCK A FUCKING MEDICAL SCHOOL!
And now it’s time to rebuild Elizabeth.
But first, our mad scientist must select the finest available components.
Starting with the breasts.
OH!
OH, HELLO!
NOW WE’RE FUCKING TALKING!
Look at him!
He’s examining!
He’s comparing!
He’s carefully evaluating the available options!
JEFFREY!
DARLING!
THIS ISN’T A FUCKING BUILD-A-BEAR WORKSHOP!
YOU’RE REASSEMBLING YOUR DEAD GIRLFRIEND!
Although I must admit, I admire his attention to quality.
After all, he’s only going to get one chance to put the poor woman back together.
MIGHT AS WELL MAKE SURE THE PARTS ARE NICE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And then we move on to the legs.
Very important!
Elizabeth is going to need a good pair of legs.
PARTICULARLY SINCE SHE WAS UNABLE TO TAKE ONE FUCKING STEP TO THE LEFT WHEN THE LAWNMOWER WAS COMING!
OH, DARLING!
I’M SORRY!
TOO SOON?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jeffrey carefully examines a leg and its attached foot.
Everything appears satisfactory.
Until—
OH!
WHAT’S WRONG?!
JEFFREY?!
DARLING?!
WHAT HAVE YOU FOUND?!
BUNIONS!
…
BUNIONS?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, YOU HAVE GOT TO BE FUCKING KIDDING ME!
HE’S GOT A LABORATORY FULL OF BODY PARTS FROM WOMEN HE ACCIDENTALLY EXPLODED!
HE’S ATTEMPTING TO DEFY THE VERY LAWS OF NATURE!
AND HE’S WORRIED ABOUT FUCKING BUNIONS?!
HAHAHAHA!
WHAT’S HE GOING TO DO?!
REJECT THE ENTIRE LEG?!
SEND IT BACK TO THE FUCKING MANUFACTURER?!
FILE A WARRANTY CLAIM?!
…
WAIT.
HE’S FILING THEM OFF?!
HE’S ACTUALLY FILING THE FUCKING BUNIONS OFF?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
THIS ISN’T REANIMATION!
IT’S A FUCKING PEDICURE!
MADDIE!
GET THE LEDGER!
I WANT JEFFREY FRANKEN NOMINATED FOR OUTSTANDING ACHIEVEMENT IN POSTMORTEM FOOT CARE!
And I genuinely love how James Lorinz plays these moments.
Jeffrey’s scientific priorities are completely insane, but he’s so utterly convinced of their importance that his behavior becomes hilarious.
A severed foot?
Perfectly manageable.
A missing torso?
Nothing a little stitching can’t fix.
BUNIONS?! ABSOLUTELY FUCKING UNACCEPTABLE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
SHE’S ALIVE! AND PATTY MULLEN IS FUCKING MAGNIFICENT!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
THIS IS IT!
THE MOMENT WE’VE BEEN WAITING FOR!
Jeffrey has selected the parts.
He’s completed the stitching.
He’s attached Elizabeth’s preserved head.
And now he’s preparing to unleash an enormous electrical charge through his magnificent creation!
OH, COME ON, JEFFREY!
YOU CAN DO IT!
YOU’VE GOT THE BODY!
YOU’VE GOT THE LIGHTNING!
YOU’VE GOT ENOUGH EXTENSION CORDS TO REWIRE THE ENTIRE FUCKING STATE OF NEW JERSEY!
LET’S BRING OUR GIRL BACK!
Electricity crackles throughout the laboratory.
OH!
OH!
IT’S WORKING!
THE MAD BASTARD IS ACTUALLY DOING IT!
Elizabeth begins moving.
WAIT!
SHE’S MOVING!
SHE’S FUCKING MOVING!
SHE’S ALIVE!
AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFFREY!
YOU MAGNIFICENT FUCKING LUNATIC!
YOU DID IT!
YOU ACTUALLY FUCKING DID IT!
And then we get our proper introduction to the resurrected Elizabeth.
Our beautiful Frankenhooker.
Played by Patty Mullen.
OH!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
LOOK AT HER!
LOOK AT OUR GLORIOUS FUCKING FRANKENHOOKER!
THAT BEAUTIFUL NEW BODY!
THOSE WONDERFUL CURVES!
AND PATTY FUCKING MULLEN BRINGING THE WHOLE RIDICULOUS CREATION TO LIFE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFFREY!
DARLING!
YOUR GIRLFRIEND HAS NEVER LOOKED BETTER!
ALTHOUGH CONSIDERING HER RECENT ENCOUNTER WITH A LAWNMOWER, THAT WASN’T AN ESPECIALLY DIFFICULT ACHIEVEMENT!
But then she starts moving.
…
OH.
OH, WAIT.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
LOOK AT HER!
LOOK AT THAT WALK!
She’s twitching!
She’s jerking!
She’s turning around like somebody wired a beautiful woman to a malfunctioning fucking wind-up toy!
HER HEAD!
HER EYES!
THOSE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!
OH, PATTY!
YOU BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!
I FUCKING LOVE YOU!
And I want to be serious for just a moment.
YES, I KNOW!
THALIA BEING SERIOUS!
MARK THE FUCKING CALENDAR!
But Patty Mullen deserves genuine praise here.
She came into this movie with very little acting experience, and she could easily have treated the role as nothing more than an opportunity to look beautiful in a ridiculous horror comedy.
But she didn’t.
SHE COMMITTED TO THE BIT!
COMPLETELY!
Every exaggerated facial expression, every twitch, every abrupt movement, every bizarre vocal delivery contributes to the character.
And she makes the whole thing work.
Because Frankenhooker isn’t merely Elizabeth Shelley brought back from the dead.
She’s Elizabeth Shelley rebuilt from the bodies of several prostitutes, carrying fragments of their behavior and personalities into her new existence.
And Patty plays that ridiculous concept to absolute perfection.
It’s physical comedy.
It’s facial comedy.
It’s wonderfully exaggerated character acting.
AND SHE’S FUCKING BRILLIANT AT IT!
I genuinely wish we’d gotten to see her in more substantial comedy roles, because this performance demonstrates a natural talent that goes far beyond her appearance.
PATTY MULLEN!
DARLING!
TAKE A FUCKING BOW!
YOU’VE EARNED IT!
Want a Date? Well, Hello to You Too, Darling!
Now Jeffrey approaches his resurrected fiancée.
Awww!
How sweet!
He’s finally succeeded.
His beloved Elizabeth is alive again.
Surely this will be a wonderful romantic reunion.
Jeffrey speaks to her.
OH, LOOK!
HE’S SO HAPPY!
SHE’S ALIVE!
SHE’S BEAUTIFUL!
SHE’S—
“WANT A DATE?”
…
…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
SHE’S BEEN ALIVE FOR TEN FUCKING SECONDS!
AND SHE’S ALREADY TRYING TO CHARGE HER OWN FIANCÉ FOR SEX!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, ELIZABETH!
DARLING!
THAT’S JEFFREY!
THE MAN WHO JUST SPENT HALF THE MOVIE SEWING YOUR ASS BACK TOGETHER!
HE’S NOT A FUCKING CUSTOMER!
Jeffrey desperately attempts to remind her who he is.
YES, SWEETHEART!
IT’S JEFFREY!
YOUR FIANCÉ!
THE MAN WITH THE CHRISTMAS CLUB ACCOUNT!
THE ONE WHO FILED YOUR FUCKING BUNIONS!
And what does our beautiful Frankenhooker want to know?
Whether he’s got money.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, YOU POOR BASTARD!
YOU SPENT YOUR ENTIRE CHRISTMAS SAVINGS BUILDING THIS WOMAN!
AND NOW SHE WANTS YOU TO PAY FOR A FUCKING DATE!
IT’S THE GREATEST ROMANTIC INVESTMENT DISASTER IN HUMAN HISTORY!
And then she slaps him.
OH!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
SHE’S BACK FROM THE DEAD!
SHE’S GOT A BRAND-NEW BODY!
AND SHE’S ALREADY SICK OF HIS FUCKING SHIT!
OH, PATTY!
THAT FUCKING FACE!
THOSE MOVEMENTS!
I CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF YOU!
And off our beautiful Frankenhooker goes, wandering through New York City, approaching men with her memorably mechanical delivery and leaving chaos in her wake.
Everywhere she goes, people discover that spending an evening with a reanimated woman carrying residual Super-Crack energy is a particularly hazardous recreational activity.
And Patty continues absolutely stealing the movie.
The strange walk.
The twitching.
The awkward propositions.
The incredible expressions.
SHE’S A FUCKING COMEDIC TREASURE!
THE CUSTOMER EXPLODED! FIVE STARS! WOULD RECOMMEND!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
OUR GIRL IS LOOSE IN NEW YORK CITY!
And apparently, being assembled from the finest available assortment of exploded prostitutes has given Elizabeth some rather unusual ideas about how to spend her first evening back among the living.
LOOK AT HER!
LOOK AT OUR BEAUTIFUL FUCKING FRANKENHOOKER!
PATTY MULLEN, YOU MAGNIFICENT WOMAN!
She’s found herself a rather unpleasant-looking gentleman who apparently thinks he’s about to have the greatest evening of his miserable life.
AND LOOK AT OUR GIRL!
SHE’S SHOWING OFF THAT BEAUTIFUL NEW BODY!
AND THERE’S THE FUCKING CHECK MARK!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFFREY’S QUALITY-CONTROL INSPECTION IS STILL VISIBLE!
OH, THAT’S WONDERFUL!
THAT BEAUTIFUL ASS HAS BEEN OFFICIALLY APPROVED BY THE FRANKEN LABORATORY!
MADDIE!
PUT THAT IN THE FUCKING RECORD!
And Patty’s performance!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
THAT FACE!
LOOK AT HER LIPS!
ONE’S GOING THIS WAY!
THE OTHER’S GOING THAT WAY!
SHE LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY’S TRYING TO TUNE TWO DIFFERENT RADIO STATIONS WITH HER FUCKING MOUTH!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
SHE’S TWITCHING!
SHE’S JERKING!
SHE’S MAKING THE MOST INCREDIBLE FUCKING EXPRESSIONS!
AND SHE’S COMPLETELY COMMITTED TO EVERY SECOND OF IT!
PATTY!
DARLING!
I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING ADORE YOU!
But wait.
OH, NO.
I RECOGNIZE THAT LOOK.
I RECOGNIZE THAT FUCKING ELECTRICAL PROBLEM!
DARLING!
SWEETHEART!
ISN’T THERE SUPPOSED TO BE SOME KIND OF WARNING LABEL ON YOUR NEW BODY?!
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
NOT AGAIN!
BOOM!
…
…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
SHE BLEW UP ANOTHER FUCKING CUSTOMER!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
JEFFREY!
YOU ABSOLUTE FUCKING IDIOT!
YOU BUILT YOUR GIRLFRIEND OUT OF EXPLOSIVE BODY PARTS!
AND NOW SHE’S A WALKING FUCKING PUBLIC SAFETY EMERGENCY!
BUT WAIT!
WAIT JUST A FUCKING MINUTE!
SHE’S HOLDING HIS SEVERED HEAD!
AND THE FUCKING HEAD IS TALKING!
WHAT?!
WHAT DID HE SAY?!
“THAT WAS WONDERFUL.”
…
…
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, STOP!
STOP!
I CAN’T FUCKING BREATHE!
THE MAN JUST FUCKING EXPLODED!
HE’S BEEN REDUCED TO A SEVERED HEAD!
AND HE’S LEAVING A POSITIVE FUCKING CUSTOMER REVIEW?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
THIS IS THE GREATEST FUCKING CUSTOMER SATISFACTION SURVEY IN HUMAN HISTORY!
HE’S LOST HIS BODY!
HE’S LOST HIS LIFE!
HE’S LOST PRACTICALLY EVERY FUCKING THING A MAN CAN LOSE!
BUT APPARENTLY HE ENJOYED HIMSELF!
FIVE STARS!
EXCELLENT SERVICE!
WOULD FUCKING EXPLODE AGAIN!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And Patty!
OH, PATTY!
THAT BEAUTIFUL, RIDICULOUS FACE!
SHE’S STANDING THERE WITH A DEAD MAN’S HEAD, LOOKING LIKE SHE’S TRYING TO REMEMBER WHETHER SHE LEFT THE FUCKING OVEN ON!
I LOVE HER!
I FUCKING LOVE HER!
Thalia collapses backward in her throne, wiping tears from her eyes.
MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
WE’VE HAD A LOT OF UNFORTUNATE MEN IN THIS FESTIVAL!
WE’VE HAD CHAINSAW VICTIMS!
WE’VE HAD DETECTIVES TIED TO BEDS!
WE’VE HAD POOR ZORRO GETTING KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS BY HIS OWN FUCKING EMPLOYEES!
BUT THIS BASTARD?!
HE’S THE FIRST MAN I’VE SEEN GET HIS HEAD BLOWN OFF AND STILL LEAVE A FIVE-STAR REVIEW!
FRANK HENENLOTTER!
YOU MAGNIFICENT FUCKING LUNATIC!
AND PATTY MULLEN?!
DARLING, YOU ARE AN ABSOLUTE COMEDIC TREASURE!
Thalia lifts her wine glass.
TO OUR BEAUTIFUL FRANKENHOOKER!
TO HER MAGNIFICENTLY INSANE FACIAL EXPRESSIONS!
AND TO THE MOST SATISFIED DEAD CUSTOMER IN THE HISTORY OF NEW YORK CITY!
SEVEN FUCKING STARS!
BECAUSE APPARENTLY EVEN THE DEAD FUCKING AGREE WITH ME!
A Street Preacher Provides Excellent Directions!
And now, my beautiful degenerates, we arrive at another one of my favorite jokes in the entire movie.
Jeffrey is desperately searching for Elizabeth.
She’s loose in New York.
She’s approaching strange men.
And she’s leaving behind a rather alarming collection of casualties.
This is a serious situation!
Jeffrey needs help!
And who does he encounter?
A street preacher.
OH!
WELL, HERE WE FUCKING GO!
BABYLON!
HARLOTS!
FIRE!
BRIMSTONE!
THE JUDGMENT OF GOD!
The man is delivering an apocalyptic sermon about wickedness and destruction, and Jeffrey stops to listen.
JEFFREY!
DARLING!
YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS RUNNING AROUND NEW YORK ELECTROCUTING PEOPLE!
THIS IS NOT THE TIME FOR A FUCKING SERMON!
But then Jeffrey realizes something.
The preacher might actually be describing Elizabeth.
And so our brilliant scientist asks whether he’s seen her.
…
WAIT.
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
HE’S USING THE BOOK OF REVELATION AS A FUCKING MISSING-PERSONS BULLETIN!
AND THE PREACHER ACTUALLY KNOWS WHERE SHE IS!
“SHE’S IN THE BAR!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
THE MAN’S BEEN PREACHING THE APOCALYPSE!
AND HE’S ACTUALLY GIVING DIRECTIONS!
Jeffrey thanks him and runs off.
OH, THAT’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
LAST NIGHT WE HAD A SECRET CHAINSAW CULT WITH HELPFUL DIRECTIONAL SIGNS!
TONIGHT WE’VE GOT A STREET PREACHER ACTING AS A FUCKING INFORMATION DESK!
APPARENTLY NOBODY IN THESE MOVIES HAS ANY TROUBLE FINDING THE PROSTITUTES!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Poor Zorro! The Worst Business Day in History!
And we simply MUST return to my beloved Zorro.
OH, ZORRO!
MY DARLING!
MY BEAUTIFUL, UNFORTUNATE BASTARD!
Because after losing his entire collection of working women in the Super-Crack catastrophe, our poor friend is having a very difficult time processing what happened.
He finds himself at a bar, trying to explain the situation.
His women didn’t leave.
They didn’t run away.
THEY FUCKING EXPLODED!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, YOU POOR BASTARD!
HE DIDN’T LOSE THEM TO ANOTHER PIMP!
HE DIDN’T LOSE THEM TO THE POLICE!
HE LOST THEM TO FUCKING DETONATION!
And he tries desperately to explain that one moment he had a roomful of women, and the next moment they were scattered everywhere.
OH, ZORRO!
DARLING!
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU SUPPOSED TO DO?!
PUT UP MISSING-PERSON POSTERS?!
“HAVE YOU SEEN MY GIRLS? LAST OBSERVED IN APPROXIMATELY FOUR HUNDRED FUCKING PIECES!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And then somebody offers him some profound advice about a man losing his women and losing everything.
OH, THANK YOU, ARISTOTLE!
WHAT FUCKING WISDOM!
THE MAN JUST WATCHED HIS ENTIRE BUSINESS EXPLODE!
AND YOU’RE GIVING HIM FORTUNE COOKIE PHILOSOPHY!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
I LOVE ZORRO!
I ABSOLUTELY FUCKING LOVE THIS MAN!
Joseph Gonzalez makes the poor bastard so memorably ridiculous that I almost feel guilty laughing at his misfortune.
Almost.
Because every time he opens his mouth, I start fucking laughing again!
And that’s part of why Frankenhooker works so beautifully as a comedy.
Even the supporting characters get memorable moments.
The newscaster.
The detective.
The street preacher.
The unfortunate women.
And poor, poor Zorro.
The whole film is populated by wonderfully ridiculous people reacting to increasingly impossible circumstances.
AND I LOVE EVERY FUCKING ONE OF THEM!
The Greatest Romantic Ending in Horror History!
And now, my beautiful degenerates, we come to the conclusion.
Jeffrey and Elizabeth’s strange little love story is finally reaching its end.
There’s more violence.
There’s more chaos.
There are more consequences for our mad scientist’s spectacularly poor decisions.
And eventually Jeffrey finds himself in the rather unfortunate position of being dead.
Well.
THAT’S A FUCKING PROBLEM!
After spending the entire movie desperately trying to reunite with Elizabeth, Jeffrey has managed to get himself killed!
OH, YOU POOR, STUPID BASTARD!
But our beautiful Frankenhooker has learned a thing or two.
And she loves Jeffrey.
She really does!
So she decides to return the favor.
SHE’S GOING TO BRING HIM BACK!
OH, ELIZABETH!
DARLING!
YOU BEAUTIFUL LITTLE GENIUS!
And she does!
Jeffrey awakens.
He’s alive!
He’s breathing!
He’s been resurrected!
WHAT A WONDERFUL HAPPY ENDING!
Except…
Wait.
What’s wrong with his hand?
And what—
OH.
OH!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
HE’S GOT FUCKING BOOBS!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, JEFFREY!
YOU BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL IDIOT!
YOU SPENT THE ENTIRE FUCKING MOVIE COLLECTING THE PERFECT SET OF BREASTS!
AND NOW YOU’RE THE ONE WEARING THEM!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
And poor Jeffrey is horrified!
He’s examining his new body.
He’s demanding explanations.
He’s discovering that Elizabeth made a few rather significant modifications!
OH, DARLING!
WHAT’S THE PROBLEM?!
YOU WANTED TO BE TOGETHER FOREVER!
SHE’S MADE THAT POSSIBLE!
Apparently the available resurrection serum works only with female body parts.
SO SHE USED FEMALE BODY PARTS!
SIMPLE!
PRACTICAL!
GOOD FUCKING SCIENCE!
And then Jeffrey realizes something else is missing.
OH, NO!
OH, YOU POOR BASTARD!
HIS JOHNSON HAS LEFT THE FUCKING BUILDING!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
I CAN’T!
I FUCKING CAN’T!
HE’S GOT A BEAUTIFUL NEW BODY!
HE’S GOT A MAGNIFICENT PAIR OF TITS!
AND HE’S LOST HIS FUCKING JOHNSON!
And Elizabeth is so pleased with herself!
SHE’S SO HAPPY!
SHE’S REASSURING HIM!
SHE’S TELLING HIM HOW WONDERFUL HE LOOKS!
AND SHE’S DECLARING THAT THEY CAN FINALLY BE TOGETHER!
OH, PATTY!
THAT BEAUTIFUL, SATISFIED LITTLE FACE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Jeffrey is screaming in horror.
Elizabeth is smiling lovingly.
And I’m sitting here wondering how a film about exploding prostitutes has somehow delivered one of the most gloriously twisted romantic endings I’ve ever seen.
Because think about it, my darlings.
Jeffrey spent the entire movie rebuilding Elizabeth according to his own specifications.
He selected the body parts.
He made the measurements.
He chose the features.
He even filed off the fucking bunions!
And when Elizabeth gets the opportunity to save Jeffrey, she does precisely the same thing.
SHE REBUILDS HIM ACCORDING TO THE PARTS SHE HAS AVAILABLE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, THAT’S FUCKING BEAUTIFUL!
THAT’S POETIC JUSTICE!
AND THE BEST PART?!
SHE GENUINELY LOVES HIM!
SHE THINKS SHE’S GIVEN HIM THE GREATEST GIFT IMAGINABLE!
AND IN A WAY, SHE HAS!
HE’S ALIVE!
THEY’RE TOGETHER!
THEY CAN FINALLY HAVE THEIR HAPPY ENDING!
Well, happy for Elizabeth.
Jeffrey appears to have a few reservations.
INCLUDING THE COMPLETE ABSENCE OF HIS FUCKING JOHNSON!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, my beautiful degenerates.
WHAT A FUCKING ENDING!
WHAT A FUCKING MOVIE!
Thalia’s Final Thoughts: Frank Henenlotter, You Magnificent Lunatic!
I need to say something, my darlings.
And for once, I’m going to try to say it without screaming.
Frankenhooker is a genuinely wonderful horror comedy.
Not because it’s expensive.
Not because it’s sophisticated.
Not because it’s frightening.
And certainly not because it contains enough nudity to make an entire roomful of Greek goddesses very, very happy.
ALTHOUGH THAT CERTAINLY DOESN’T FUCKING HURT!
No, what makes this movie special is that Frank Henenlotter understands precisely how absurd his premise is.
And instead of apologizing for it, he builds an entire comedy around the absurdity.
Every scene finds a new way to make the situation more ridiculous.
Jeffrey’s first experiments.
The disastrous lawnmower.
The tossed-salad news report.
The jigsaw-puzzle detective.
The romantic poem about exploding teeth.
The electric screwdriver.
The Christmas Club savings.
The anatomical inspections.
The Super-Crack party.
The exploding prostitutes.
Poor Zorro getting knocked unconscious by a flying head.
JEFFREY FUCKING FILING OFF BUNIONS!
And then, as if all that weren’t enough, Patty Mullen arrives and delivers a performance that elevates the entire picture.
I mean that sincerely.
She’s wonderful.
Absolutely fucking wonderful.
Her physical comedy is fantastic, her exaggerated expressions are hilarious, and her complete commitment to the part makes Frankenhooker an unforgettable character.
For an actress with relatively little experience, it’s an extraordinary comic performance.
And James Lorinz deserves tremendous credit, too.
His Jeffrey Franken is the perfect combination of frantic scientific enthusiasm, romantic obsession, and completely misplaced common sense.
The man is capable of the most extraordinary achievements, yet seems utterly incapable of understanding why the things he’s doing might be considered insane.
He’s the ideal centerpiece for Henenlotter’s particular brand of comedy.
And then there’s Zorro.
OH, MY POOR, BEAUTIFUL ZORRO!
I DON’T THINK I’VE EVER FELT SO SORRY FOR A PIMP IN MY FUCKING LIFE!
The man loses his employees, his livelihood, his dignity, and eventually his own life.
And somehow I laughed every time he appeared.
JOSEPH GONZALEZ, DARLING, YOU WERE FUCKING WONDERFUL!
There’s also something rather interesting beneath the film’s deliberately tasteless exterior.
Jeffrey begins the story believing he can rebuild Elizabeth into the perfect version of the woman he loves. He treats her body as something to improve, customize, and reassemble according to his own preferences.
And in the end, Elizabeth turns that idea right back on him.
It’s a genuinely clever conclusion.
A joke that’s funny because it pays off the entire story.
And that’s the key distinction between Frankenhooker and some of the less successful films we’ve watched during this festival.
This movie isn’t funny merely because it’s cheap, tasteless, or ridiculous.
IT’S FUNNY BECAUSE THE FILMMAKERS KNOW HOW TO WRITE AND DELIVER A FUCKING JOKE!
The dialogue is funny.
The visual gags are funny.
The performances are funny.
The pacing of the best comic sequences is wonderful.
And underneath all the gratuitous insanity, there’s an actual story with an ending that feels perfectly suited to everything that came before.
Now, is it the Sacred Bathtub?
NO!
THE SACRED BATHTUB REMAINS SACRED!
THAT BEAUTIFUL MOMENT BELONGS TO NIGHTMARE SISTERS AND WILL NEVER BE FORGOTTEN!
But as a complete comedy?
Oh, my beautiful degenerates.
Frankenhooker is something very special indeed.
I laughed.
I laughed HARD.
And I laughed repeatedly.
To the point where I was beginning to worry that Jeffrey might need to assemble me a new fucking diaphragm!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
This movie is funny.
GENUINELY FUCKING FUNNY!
And that, my darlings, deserves recognition.
The Official Ratings
HORROR: ☆☆☆☆☆ — 0/5
ZERO!
FUCKING!
STARS!
HAHAHAHA!
Oh, don’t misunderstand me!
We’ve got dismemberments, exploding bodies, grotesque experiments, reanimation, and enough assorted human remains to give the New Jersey Department of Health a nervous breakdown.
But scary?
NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE!
This is a comedy. A gloriously tasteless, outrageously disgusting, wonderfully ridiculous comedy.
The violence is exaggerated to the point of complete absurdity, and the movie is much more interested in making us laugh than frightening us.
And I wouldn’t have it any other way.
CHEESE: ★★★★★ — 5/5
FIVE!
GLORIOUS!
FUCKING!
STARS!
THIS IS HOW YOU DO IT!
The tossed-salad newscast!
The jigsaw-puzzle detective!
The electric screwdriver!
The Christmas Club savings!
The ridiculous anatomy lessons!
THE EXPLODING FUCKING HOOKERS!
JEFFREY’S POSTMORTEM PEDICURE!
PATTY MULLEN!
POOR FUCKING ZORRO!
Oh, my beautiful degenerates, this movie is an absolute treasure chest of wonderfully stupid comedy.
And the important thing?
THE JOKES ARE ACTUALLY FUNNY!
This isn’t a movie we’re laughing at because it failed.
We’re laughing because Frank Henenlotter wanted us to laugh.
And he succeeded magnificently.
BOOBS: ★★★★★★ — 6/5
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
WE HAVE AN EMERGENCY!
A MATHEMATICAL EMERGENCY!
BECAUSE THIS MOVIE HAS OFFICIALLY EARNED SIX FUCKING STARS FOR BOOBS!
The hotel-room inspections!
The glorious close-ups!
The beautiful performers!
Patty Mullen!
AND THE MIRACLE OF FUNCTIONING FUCKING LIGHTING!
But most importantly…
ASIAN INFLATION!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OUR BEAUTIFUL CRYSTAL HAS TRIGGERED THE BONUS!
FIVE STARS FOR THE GENEROUS DISPLAY!
PLUS ONE COMPLETELY UNAUTHORIZED STAR!
EQUALS SIX!
MADDIE: “For once, your arithmetic is correct.”
DON’T GET FUCKING USED TO IT!
OH, AND I’D LIKE TO THANK JEFFREY FRANKEN FOR HIS THOROUGH SCIENTIFIC INVESTIGATIONS!
THE MAN’S METHODS WERE QUESTIONABLE!
HIS ETHICS WERE NONEXISTENT!
BUT HIS COMMITMENT TO ANATOMICAL QUALITY CONTROL WAS TRULY EXTRAORDINARY!
IGNORE THE FUCKING GRAPHIC, IT ONLY GOES UP TO FIVE! BUT WE HAVE SEVEN!
SEVEN!
FUCKING!
STARS!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
THAT’S RIGHT, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
SEVEN!
BECAUSE FUCK IT!
IT’S FUCKING FUNNY!
Frankenhooker is a brilliant little piece of outrageous exploitation comedy, filled with memorable dialogue, wonderfully ridiculous characters, lavish amounts of shameless entertainment, and two outstanding central performances.
James Lorinz is hilarious.
Patty Mullen is magnificent.
Joseph Gonzalez gives us one of the most unfortunate—and funniest—supporting characters we’ve encountered during this entire festival.
And Frank Henenlotter deserves a standing ovation for creating a movie this gloriously insane and actually making the insanity work.
Would I watch it again?
ABSOLUTELY!
Would I recommend it to anyone who loves outrageous, deliberately tasteless horror comedies?
WITHOUT FUCKING HESITATION!
Would I recommend it to someone looking for genuinely frightening horror?
DARLING, THEY’RE GOING TO THINK I’VE LOST MY FUCKING MIND!
And would I trust Jeffrey Franken to perform a medical procedure?
I WOULDN’T LET THAT BASTARD INSTALL A FUCKING CEILING FAN!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Thalia raises her wine glass toward the ceiling.
TO FRANK HENENLOTTER!
TO JAMES LORINZ!
TO OUR BEAUTIFUL, MAGNIFICENT PATTY MULLEN!
TO THE LOVELY LADIES WHO PROVIDED THEIR SERVICES TO SCIENCE!
TO ASIAN INFLATION!
TO PROPERLY ILLUMINATED ANATOMICAL EXAMINATIONS!
AND TO POOR FUCKING ZORRO!
MAY HIS NEXT BUSINESS VENTURE BE SIGNIFICANTLY LESS EXPLOSIVE!
There’s a knock on the screening-room door.
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
WHAT NOW?!
MADDIE: “Thalia, I’ve brought the official rating ledger.”
WONDERFUL!
SEVEN STARS!
WRITE IT DOWN!
MADDIE: “Thalia, the official scale ends at five.”
AND THE WOMEN WERE ONLY SUPPOSED TO GO TO A FUCKING PARTY!
NONE OF US GOT WHAT WE EXPECTED!
MADDIE: “You cannot simply award additional stars whenever you find something entertaining.”
WATCH ME!
MADDIE: “We already had this discussion after Nightmare Sisters.”
AND APPARENTLY YOU DIDN’T LEARN YOUR FUCKING LESSON!
MADDIE: “The Archives cannot continue revising its mathematical standards.”
THEN GET A BIGGER FUCKING LEDGER!
Theia appears behind Maddie, looking exhausted.
THEIA: “Please tell me this evening is finally over.”
ALMOST, DARLING!
THEIA: “What happened this time?”
OH, THE USUAL!
A GIRLFRIEND GOT TURNED INTO A TOSSED SALAD!
A ROOMFUL OF BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EXPLODED!
A MAD SCIENTIST FILED OFF SOME BUNIONS!
AND POOR ZORRO GOT KNOCKED UNCONSCIOUS BY ONE OF HIS OWN EMPLOYEES’ FUCKING HEADS!
THEIA: “…”
MADDIE: “The final score is seven stars.”
THEIA: “OF COURSE IT FUCKING IS!”
Titan strolls past the doorway.
TITAN: “How was the ending?”
OH, BEAUTIFUL!
JEFFREY GOT BROUGHT BACK TO LIFE!
TITAN: “Good for him.”
WITH A NEW PAIR OF FUCKING BOOBS!
TITAN: “Even better.”
THEIA: “I AM SURROUNDED BY FUCKING LUNATICS!”
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
I LOVE THIS FUCKING MOVIE!
SEVEN STARS! ORGASMIC!
AND IF ANYBODY HAS A PROBLEM WITH MY RATING SYSTEM…
THEY CAN TAKE IT UP WITH THE FUCKING DEPARTMENT OF ASIAN INFLATION!
GOODNIGHT, MY DARLINGS!
AND REMEMBER!
IF YOUR FIANCÉ INVENTS A REMOTE-CONTROLLED LAWNMOWER, TAKE ONE FUCKING STEP TO THE LEFT!
