Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood (1996) Review — Thalia’s Spook-n-Boobtacular Day 10
Directed by: Gilbert Adler
Released: 1996
Runtime: Approximately 87 minutes
Starring: Dennis Miller, Angie Everhart, Erika Eleniak, Chris Sarandon, Corey Feldman, and William Sadler
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
WELCOME BACK TO THALIA’S SPOOK-N-BOOBTACULAR!
It’s Day 10, and I must confess that I’m still recovering from last night’s magnificent cinematic achievement.
SEVEN FUCKING STARS!
Beautiful women! Exploding hookers! Patty Mullen making some of the most extraordinary faces I’ve ever seen! And poor Zorro, who suffered the worst business catastrophe in the history of New York City!
What a wonderful fucking evening!
Tonight, however, we’re traveling back to 1996 for Tales from the Crypt Presents: Bordello of Blood.
Now, just look at that title.
BORDELLO OF BLOOD!
Oh, my darlings, doesn’t that sound promising?
We’ve got vampires! We’ve got a brothel! We’ve got the beautiful redheaded Angie Everhart! We’ve got Erika Eleniak! And we’ve got Dennis Miller, a man whose sarcasm could peel the fucking paint off a battleship!
What could possibly go wrong?
Well, my beautiful degenerates, apparently somebody forgot to explain to the filmmakers what the word bordello means.
Because tonight we’re going to discover something extraordinary.
YOU CAN HAVE A MOVIE ABOUT A VAMPIRE BROTHEL AND STILL MAKE THE AUDIENCE WONDER WHERE THE FUCK ALL THE BOOBS WENT!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Oh, don’t worry. We do get a few.
And some of them are absolutely wonderful.
But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Let’s crack open the crypt and see what we’ve got.
The Crypt Keeper Welcomes Us to the Party
Our movie opens with that wonderfully familiar Tales from the Crypt presentation, complete with the eerie mansion, gloomy corridors, and our favorite wisecracking corpse.
THE CRYPT KEEPER!
OH, DARLING!
HOW I’VE MISSED YOUR UGLY LITTLE FACE!
John Kassir’s wonderfully disgusting creation is back to introduce another tale of blood, murder, and terrible decisions.
And I have always appreciated a man who looks like he was buried three centuries ago but still makes time to entertain his guests.
The Crypt Keeper’s puns are terrible, naturally.
GLORIOUSLY TERRIBLE!
And that’s part of the charm.
You know exactly what kind of entertainment you’re getting when a rotting corpse opens the festivities with a joke.
Soon we’re introduced to Lilith, the mother of all vampires, who has been imprisoned for centuries until a particularly foolish treasure-hunting expedition decides to interfere.
OH, THAT’S A WONDERFUL IDEA!
LET’S DIG UP AN ANCIENT VAMPIRE QUEEN!
WHAT COULD POSSIBLY HAPPEN?!
Naturally, Lilith returns to the land of the living, and our beautiful Angie Everhart begins making trouble.
And look at her!
THAT RED HAIR!
THOSE EYES!
THAT GLORIOUSLY SINISTER APPEARANCE!
Oh, Angie, darling, you were certainly an inspired casting choice.
A tall, gorgeous redhead playing an ancient vampire queen?
YES, PLEASE!
And as we’ll discover, she’s got a particularly nasty way of extracting blood from unfortunate men.
Which brings me to my first important observation.
If you’re going to visit a mysterious woman who lives beneath a funeral home, perhaps ask a few fucking questions before getting into bed with her.
JUST A THOUGHT!
A Funeral Home With Some Very Unusual Services
Our story soon introduces Caleb Verdoux, played by Corey Feldman, a young troublemaker who has apparently decided that the best way to spend his evening is visiting an underground brothel.
And where is this delightful establishment located?
Beneath a funeral home!
HAHAHAHA!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
THE CUSTOMER SERVICE OPPORTUNITIES ARE ENDLESS!
“WELCOME TO THE MORTUARY! ARE YOU HERE FOR A FUNERAL OR A FUCK?!”
And naturally, getting into this establishment involves a rather unusual journey through the funeral home’s hidden passages.
OH, HOW ROMANTIC!
NOTHING GETS A WOMAN IN THE MOOD LIKE TRAVELING THROUGH A FUCKING CREMATORIUM!
But once inside, Caleb and his companion discover a splendidly decorated underground pleasure palace.
Red velvet! Gothic furnishings! Beautiful women! Coffins!
And, most importantly…
THE BOOBS!
OH!
OH, MY DARLINGS!
THERE THEY ARE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Look at this place!
Beautiful women lounging around the club! Some very promising costumes! And a few lovely performers who have apparently remembered what kind of establishment we’re supposed to be visiting!
Now we’re talking!
And then we meet the lovely Tallulah, played by Juliet Reagh, credited as Jenna Persaud.
OH, HELLO, DARLING!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN!
And what a magnificent pair of twins!
Juliet, sweetheart, thank you.
THANK YOU FOR UNDERSTANDING THE ASSIGNMENT!
Our beautiful Tallulah offers one of the evening’s most memorable displays, and for a brief, glorious moment, I’m convinced we’re about to have another wonderful exploitation extravaganza.
But, of course, this is a vampire brothel.
And getting intimate with the employees has some rather unpleasant consequences.
Namely, you might become dinner.
HAHAHAHA!
WHAT A FUCKING BUSINESS MODEL!
THE CUSTOMERS COME IN LOOKING FOR A LITTLE ACTION!
AND THE STAFF EATS THEM!
I suppose that’s one way to eliminate complaints.
And while the opening offers some enjoyable eye candy, there’s a problem.
A rather significant problem.
Because this brief display is about to represent a substantial portion of the entire film’s nudity.
OH, DON’T TELL ME THAT!
PLEASE!
WE’VE ONLY JUST FUCKING STARTED!
Dennis Miller, You Sarcastic Little Bastard!
Caleb’s disappearance sends his concerned sister Katherine, played by Erika Eleniak, looking for help.
And she finds it in private investigator Rafe Guttman, played by Dennis Miller.
OH, DENNIS!
DARLING!
THANK FUCK YOU’RE HERE!
Now, Dennis Miller has always had a particular style of comedy. Dry, cynical, sarcastic, and delivered with the confidence of a man who considers practically everybody around him a fucking idiot.
And personally?
I LOVE IT!
Rafe Guttman is an obnoxious little bastard, but he’s an entertaining obnoxious little bastard.
Every situation becomes an opportunity for another wisecrack.
Every conversation is an excuse to insult somebody.
And every time the movie threatens to lose my interest, Dennis Miller opens his mouth and reminds me why I’m still watching.
HAHAHAHA!
OH, YOU WONDERFULLY MISERABLE MAN!
Katherine is serious, religious, and deeply concerned about her brother.
Rafe, meanwhile, approaches the entire situation with approximately the same enthusiasm a man might have for a particularly irritating tax audit.
And the contrast works.
Erika Eleniak plays the concerned sister straight, giving Miller a perfect target for his cynical humor.
But Erika, darling…
We need to talk.
Because you’re a beautiful woman, and I’ve seen what you’re capable of in Under Siege.
And here you are, fully dressed, looking like you’re about to organize a church fundraiser!
OH, COME ON!
DARLING!
YOU’RE IN A FUCKING VAMPIRE BROTHEL MOVIE!
I’M NOT ASKING YOU TO ABANDON YOUR CHARACTER’S RELIGIOUS CONVICTIONS!
I’M JUST WONDERING WHY THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT HAS APPARENTLY DECLARED WAR ON MY HAPPINESS!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Still, I must give her credit. She serves the story perfectly well, and her restrained character gives Dennis Miller somebody to bounce his sarcasm off.
And without him, my beautiful degenerates, this movie would have been in considerably more trouble.
Angie Everhart and the Great Bordello Conspiracy
Meanwhile, our beautiful vampire queen Lilith is running the underground operation with the assistance of some decidedly questionable associates.
And Angie Everhart certainly looks magnificent.
The hair! The costumes! The dangerous little smile!
She has the appearance of a woman who could ruin your entire life and convince you it was your own fucking idea.
Which, come to think of it, is a rather accurate description of Lilith.
But there’s something missing.
Something important.
Something I had rather hoped to see.
Thalia leans forward in her throne.
Angie?
Darling?
Sweetheart?
Are we going to…
You know…
Take advantage of the premise?
No?
NOTHING?!
OH, FOR FUCK’S SAKE!
And it’s not just Angie.
We’ve got Erika Eleniak in the same film!
TWO BEAUTIFUL LEADING LADIES!
TWO WOMEN WHO HAVE PREVIOUSLY APPEARED NUDE ON SCREEN!
AND BOTH ARE KEEPING THEIR FUCKING CLOTHES ON!
IS THIS A BORDELLO OR A FUCKING NUNNERY?!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
I’M BEING ROBBED!
NOW, BEFORE ANYBODY STARTS WRITING ANGRY LETTERS, LET ME MAKE SOMETHING PERFECTLY CLEAR.
An actress doesn’t owe anybody nudity.
Not me.
Not you.
Not a director.
NOT EVEN A GLORIOUS GREEK GODDESS WITH AN EXTRAORDINARILY WELL-DEVELOPED APPRECIATION FOR BEAUTIFUL WOMEN!
But I can certainly criticize a film for selling me the promise of a scandalous vampire brothel and then delivering something considerably more restrained than its title suggests.
Especially after the absolute abundance we enjoyed in Frankenhooker.
OH, FRANK HENENLOTTER!
WHERE ARE YOU WHEN I NEED YOU?!
Three Nipples, A Little Dancing, and Not Nearly Enough
To be fair, the film hasn’t completely forgotten its exploitation roots.
We get a little more skin throughout the proceedings, including a particularly memorable appearance from Patrice, played by Leslie Ann Phillips.
And what’s unusual about Patrice?
OH, MY DARLINGS!
SHE’S GOT A THIRD FUCKING NIPPLE!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
WELL, THERE’S SOMETHING YOU DON’T SEE EVERY DAY!
A SUPERNUMERARY NIPPLE!
A BONUS FEATURE!
AN OPTIONAL ACCESSORY!
OH, THAT’S WONDERFUL!
Of course, it’s a special-effects gag, but I appreciate the creativity.
And later we have the lovely Kiara Hunter as Tamara, who contributes another brief moment of welcome entertainment.
THANK YOU, DARLING!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
You know, I’m starting to feel sorry for these women.
Because Juliet Reagh, Leslie Ann Phillips, Kiara Hunter, and the background performers are doing their best to make this establishment resemble an actual bordello.
BUT APPARENTLY THE CAMERA HAS MORE IMPORTANT FUCKING BUSINESS TO ATTEND TO!
And here’s the problem.
Based on our little accounting of the featured nude scenes, we’re looking at less than two minutes combined.
LESS THAN TWO FUCKING MINUTES!
SPREAD ACROSS AN ENTIRE EIGHTY-SEVEN-MINUTE MOVIE!
OH, MY FUCKING OLYMPUS!
WE HAD MORE GENEROUS ANATOMICAL EXAMINATIONS IN ONE SCENE OF FRANKENHOOKER!
And I suppose we’re fortunate that the movie has Dennis Miller.
Because if it didn’t?
OH, DARLINGS.
THIS COULD HAVE BEEN A VERY LONG FUCKING EVENING!
Reverend Current and the Holy Water Super Soakers
Now, I don’t want to give you the impression that Bordello of Blood has nothing else going for it.
There’s actually some enjoyable ridiculousness here.
Chris Sarandon plays Reverend Jimmy Current, a flamboyant televangelist whose relationship with Lilith is considerably more complicated than his public sermons might suggest.
OH, WONDERFUL!
A MAN PREACHING ABOUT SIN WHILE HELPING OPERATE A FUCKING VAMPIRE BROTHEL!
THAT’S QUITE A BUSINESS PARTNERSHIP, DARLING!
And as Rafe’s investigation progresses, the whole operation begins unraveling.
We get vampire attacks, blood, body parts, and plenty of the elaborate makeup effects that helped establish Tales from the Crypt as such a wonderfully disgusting franchise.
And then we arrive at one of the film’s most entertaining ideas.
HOLY WATER SUPER SOAKERS!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
WE’RE FIGHTING VAMPIRES WITH FUCKING WATER GUNS!
AND I LOVE IT!
Forget the elaborate ancient weapons!
Forget the mystical swords!
JUST STOP BY THE TOY STORE, FILL UP YOUR SUPER SOAKER, AND START SPRAYING THE UNDEAD!
Rafe and Reverend Current’s assault on the brothel provides some of the film’s most enjoyable action-comedy moments, particularly when the vampires begin discovering that holy water is considerably more dangerous than the usual clientele.
AND WE’VE GOT BALLROOM BLITZ PLAYING!
OH, YES!
NOW WE’RE HAVING SOME FUCKING FUN!
I love the ridiculousness of it all.
Dennis Miller running around with a water gun, vampires bursting into spectacular special-effects disasters, and the entire establishment descending into glorious chaos.
That’s the sort of lunacy I wanted more of!
Unfortunately, it takes a while to get there, and the movie doesn’t maintain that level of entertainment consistently enough.
But credit where it’s due.
THE HOLY WATER SUPER SOAKERS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!
A Vampire Queen, a Laser, and One Last Nasty Surprise
Eventually our heroes confront Lilith, and the movie embraces the sort of ridiculous supernatural spectacle you’d expect from a theatrical Tales from the Crypt production.
We’ve got Reverend Current’s extravagant religious technology, a laser employed in a rather creative fashion, and a final showdown in which our beautiful vampire queen is decidedly less attractive once things start going badly.
OH, ANGIE!
DARLING!
YOU LOOKED SO MUCH BETTER BEFORE THE SPECIAL-EFFECTS DEPARTMENT GOT HOLD OF YOU!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
The final battle is entertaining enough, with Katherine and Rafe finally managing to defeat Lilith.
And for a moment, it appears that our sarcastic detective and his religious companion might actually enjoy a happy ending.
How sweet!
How romantic!
Perhaps they’ll live happily ever after!
…
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
OH, YOU FOOLS!
THIS IS TALES FROM THE CRYPT!
NOBODY GETS A FUCKING HAPPY ENDING!
Because Katherine has a little secret.
A little bite.
And apparently, our beautiful religious heroine hasn’t escaped the vampire business quite as successfully as we’d hoped.
OH, DENNIS!
DARLING!
YOU POOR SARCASTIC BASTARD!
YOU SPENT THE WHOLE MOVIE INVESTIGATING VAMPIRES!
AND NOW YOU’VE GOT ONE IN THE FUCKING PASSENGER SEAT!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
It’s an appropriately nasty little conclusion, and the Crypt Keeper returns to wrap everything up with his customary dreadful puns.
And honestly, that’s how a Tales from the Crypt story ought to end.
With somebody making a terrible decision, somebody else paying for it, and a rotting corpse laughing at everybody’s misfortune.
Thalia’s Final Thoughts: Is This a Bordello or a Fucking Nunnery?
Well, my beautiful degenerates, that was Bordello of Blood.
And I must confess, I’m disappointed.
Not furious.
Not outraged.
Not ready to throw my wine glass through the television.
Just disappointed.
Because the ingredients for a gloriously entertaining horror comedy are right here.
A secret vampire brothel operating beneath a funeral home!
A beautiful redheaded vampire queen!
A sarcastic private detective!
A hypocritical televangelist!
Beautiful women!
Gory special effects!
HOLY WATER FUCKING SUPER SOAKERS!
And yet the finished movie never quite becomes the outrageously entertaining experience its premise promises.
The horror isn’t particularly frightening. The pacing can be uneven. Some of the comedy works considerably better than the rest.
And for a movie called Bordello of Blood, the nudity is remarkably limited.
NOW, I KNOW WHAT YOU’RE THINKING!
“THALIA, DARLING, YOU CAN’T JUDGE AN ENTIRE FILM BY THE NUMBER OF BOOBS!”
AND YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT!
That’s why I’ve also considered the writing, the performances, the effects, the comedy, and the overall entertainment value.
And after considering all those things…
I STILL WANT TO KNOW WHERE THE FUCK THE BOOBS WENT!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
But there are two things that genuinely saved this movie for me.
The first is Juliet Reagh.
Darling, you’re beautiful, you delivered one of the film’s most memorable moments, and your contribution to this otherwise underwhelming bordello has not gone unnoticed.
The second is Dennis Miller.
That sarcastic little bastard kept me entertained through stretches that otherwise might have sent me reaching for the remote.
I know his particular comedic style isn’t for everybody.
But I enjoy it.
The dryness.
The cynicism.
The constant wisecracks.
He gives this movie some badly needed personality.
And if I have to sit through an eighty-seven-minute vampire movie with less than two minutes of featured nudity, I can think of considerably worse company than Dennis fucking Miller.
So, my darlings, let’s get to the ratings.
The Official Ratings
Horror: ★☆☆☆☆ — 1/5
ONE STAR!
We have vampires, blood, severed body parts, monstrous transformations, and some entertaining practical effects.
But actual scares?
Not particularly.
The movie is far more interested in wisecracks and cartoonish violence than frightening anybody.
Which is perfectly fine when the comedy works.
Unfortunately, that isn’t always the case here.
Cheese: ★★★☆☆ — 3/5
THREE STARS!
And Dennis Miller, darling, you can take most of the credit!
His dry humor and relentless sarcasm are the best things about the film, while the holy-water Super Soakers, the vampire brothel, and the Crypt Keeper’s terrible jokes provide some additional entertainment.
The comedy doesn’t always land, but when Dennis gets going, I find myself laughing.
Boobs: ★☆☆☆☆ — 1/5
OH, NOW WE HAVE A FUCKING PROBLEM!
One star.
ONE!
For a movie called BORDELLO OF BLOOD!
Juliet Reagh, darling, you gave us a wonderful little moment.
Leslie Ann Phillips and Kiara Hunter also contribute some welcome visual entertainment.
And I certainly appreciate the background performers.
But when the two most prominent actresses remain fully covered, the featured nude scenes amount to barely a minute and a half by our count, and the whole thing is spread across almost ninety minutes…
WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!
HAND OUT FIVE STARS FOR POTENTIAL?!
OH, I DON’T THINK SO!
And no Asian Inflation this evening, either!
MADDIE CAN FINALLY BALANCE THE FUCKING BOOKS!
TWO FUCKING STARS!
AND I’M BEING GENEROUS!
One for the beautiful Juliet Reagh and her magnificent contribution to the proceedings!
One for Dennis Miller’s impeccable sarcasm!
And everybody else can report to the fucking nunnery!
HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Now, is Bordello of Blood completely terrible?
No.
There’s some entertainment to be found here, especially if you appreciate Dennis Miller’s comedic style and the campier elements of Tales from the Crypt.
But does it live up to its title?
OH, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
NOT EVEN FUCKING CLOSE!
Yesterday I watched a movie where a mad scientist assembled his dead girlfriend out of exploded prostitutes, accidentally created a walking electrical disaster, and ultimately ended up wearing the very breasts he’d spent the entire film selecting.
And I gave it seven stars!
Today I’ve watched a film about a secret brothel run by a beautiful vampire queen.
And somehow, I’m leaving with almost nothing to report from the fucking anatomy department!
WHAT A TRAGIC REVERSAL OF FORTUNE!
Thalia raises her wine glass.
TO JULIET REAGH!
TO DENNIS MILLER!
TO THE CRYPT KEEPER!
AND TO ANGIE EVERHART AND ERIKA ELENIAK, WHO WERE BOTH ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL DESPITE MY EXTREME DISAPPOINTMENT WITH THE COSTUME DEPARTMENT!
MAY OUR NEXT MOVIE REMEMBER THAT HALLOWEEN IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN!
Thalia reaches for the remote.
And seriously.
IS THIS A BORDELLO OR A FUCKING NUNNERY?!
GOODNIGHT, MY BEAUTIFUL DEGENERATES!
TWO STARS! TEASING!
AND BRING BACK THE FUCKING FRANKENHOOKER!
