Sword, Sorcery & Sin: The Never-Ending Countdown

The Cheesiest, Sleaziest Sword & Sorcery Ever Committed to Film, Ranked and Reviewed

Look, I’m just going to be upfront with you. This isn’t really my column.

I mean, technically, it lives here on Titanquisitor, I’m posting it, and my name’s on the byline. But this whole thing was Thalia’s idea, Titan thought it would be fun, and Theia agreed to provide legitimate decrees to the reviews under protest. I’m essentially the landlord and review writer. They’re the ones throwing the party, and I’m just hoping they don’t break anything structural.

Let me explain what’s going on here.

If you’ve spent any time around the Tales of Titanquisitor, you already know these three. Titan is the Guardian of the Realm, a massively built warrior-scholar who takes gaming and entertainment seriously as a matter of personal honor and considers himself a man of culture and refined taste. He drops his Decree at the end of every game review. Thalia is the Mirror, a provocateur who has never once in her life apologized for having a good time and considers gratuitous content a feature, not a bug. She appears in editorial content like The Riot Retort and The Cutting Room. And Theia is the Titaness of the Silver Screen, a dignified goddess with genuine knowledge of film who provides the Decree, that is, the official star score, for all our movie reviews. She agreed to be part of this project the same way you agree to drive your drunk friends home. She’s here. She’s not happy about it. She’s not leaving either.

The three of them came to me with a proposition. There is an entire genre of film out there from the 1970s, 80s, and early 90s that the entertainment world has largely pretended doesn’t exist. Sword and sorcery exploitation films. The kind of movies that filled the shelves of every video rental store that ever existed, with painted VHS covers featuring oiled up barbarians, chainmail bikini warriors, evil sorcerers with glowing eyes, and enough skulls to decorate an entire castle. Movies made on budgets that wouldn’t cover catering on a modern Marvel film. Movies that featured terrible dialogue, rubber monsters, fake blood by the bucketful, and an almost defiant commitment to putting attractive women in as little clothing as the camera could legally capture and not be considered porn.

Movies like Deathstalker. Red Sonja. Warrior Queen. Amazons. The Beastmaster. Barbarian Queen. Sorceress. Conan the Barbarian. Conan the Destroyer. Fire and Ice.

Personally, I don’t think Conan the Barbarian and Red Sonja belong on a list of cheesy or sleazy. Thalia doesn’t either. Conan is her favorite film, but she thinks it doesn’t have enough sleaze or cheese. But they’re classics of the sword-and-sorcery genre, so we’ll include them. Because there has to be some legitimate films as a part of this thing for the sake of professionality (I know that’s not a word, but it is around here… my site, my rules). Theia thinks they belong purely because they are part of the genre.

Titan stood up, cleared his throat, and made his case.

“These films represent a legitimate and underappreciated chapter in fantasy cinema. The practical effects alone deserve serious academic consideration. The physical commitment of the performers. The raw, unfiltered storytelling unburdened by committee notes and focus groups. These are films made by people who simply wanted to make something exciting and were not afraid to do so.”

Thalia immediately knocked over her goblet.

“That is the most pretentious way anyone has ever said they want to watch movies with boobs and sword fights. Just say that. Say you want to watch movies with boobs and sword fights.”

Titan straightened his belt. “I also want to watch movies with boobs and sword fights.”

Theia pressed two fingers to her temple. “I want it noted for the record that I have reservations.”

“Noted,” I said.

“Extensive reservations.”

“Also noted.”

“And yet,” Thalia said, already grinning, “she’s going to issue Decrees for the reviews anyway because she cannot help herself. The woman sat through Warrior Queen and spent forty minutes afterward explaining why the cinematography had potential. She’s in. She’s been in since the beginning. She just needs to perform the disappointment first and pretend that she doesn’t like big boobs and bloody sword fights just as much as the rest of us.”

Theia didn’t deny this.

So here’s how this works. I write the reviews for each film as straight as I would any other film, and pass them off to Theia to issue her official Decree. In a completely earnest and honest way, she’ll grade on actual cinematic merit the way she issues the Decree for every film. Then Titan and Thalia get to adjust the score based on their own highly specific criteria.

Titan adds points for the quality and quantity of sword combat, practical creature effects, and what he calls “honorable carnage,” which is his way of saying he wants the violence to feel earned and enthusiastic.

Thalia adds points for what she calls “the good stuff,” and she doesn’t mean that euphemistically. She means exactly what you think she means. The more blood, the more guts, the more decapitated monsters, the more boobs, and the more ass shots the better. If the film delivered on the unspoken promise of its VHS cover, Thalia bumps the score. If it didn’t, she takes it personally. As in, she considers it a breach of contract between filmmaker and audience and has strong feelings about accountability.

Thalia added, “If the box shows half-naked women wielding swords and doesn’t deliver a sufficient amount of tits and bloody carnage, I will be pissed. DO NOT promise me a good time and then not deliver. I will fucking end you.”

Theia reminded Thalia that a lot of the people responsible for these films and art are dead, to which Thalia noted, “I know more than one necromancer, I will bring them back to tell them what I think of their dishonesty.”

Theia replied, “So you’d use the dark arts just to be a Karen to the dead?”

“I’m not a fucking Karen, Theia! I just think if you’re going to sell the movie by showing scantily clad women with big ass swords on the cover, don’t be a prude in the actual movie!”

Titan nodded in agreement. In the balcony of the Hall, Stinger nodded in agreement. I nodded in agreement. It was a fair point.

So, here’s how this works. The final score gets listed as Theia’s Decree, then Titan’s Bump, Thalia’s Bump, and then the final Dungeon Score, which is what actually goes on the rankings.

Now here’s the other thing that makes this different from a normal list. We’re not starting with a finished list as we did for our Top 5 Leelee Sobieski Movies, Top 5 Audrey Hepburn Movies, or Top 10 Movies Worth Watching This Memorial Day piece. This is a living, breathing, never-ending ranking. The first film reviewed becomes number one by default. Then the next one either knocks it down or falls below it. Every new entry reshuffles the list. The rankings will get updated right here on this page every time a new review goes up, so bookmark this one. It’s the home base. We’ll see how long a film can stay in the top spot and the top five spots.

Thalia, who has been reading over my shoulder for the last three paragraphs, has a note she wants added.

“Tell them Conan the Barbarian is the gold standard, and everything gets measured against it. If your movie doesn’t have at least one scene that makes me want to punch something out of pure joy, you’re already losing points.”

Titan nodded solemnly. “She is correct about Conan.”

Theia sighed the sigh of a woman who has accepted her fate. “The cinematography in Conan the Barbarian is actually quite good. John Milius knew what he was doing. I’ll give them that one.”

Thalia looked at her. “Did you just say something nice about a movie that will be on this list?”

“I said the cinematography was good. I didn’t say I approved of the rest of it.”

“You fucking love it too, I knew it!”

So there you have it. Sword, Sorcery and Sin. The Never-Ending Countdown to the cheesiest, sleaziest sword and sorcery ever committed to film. Ranked by a goddess who maintains her dignity under impossible circumstances, a warrior who takes everything too seriously in the best possible way, and a woman who considers an overturned goblet and a chainmail bikini warrior the ingredients for a perfect evening.

“Can we stop the yapping and start watching the fucking movies already?!” Thalia injected with a mix of anger at this taking so long and excitement to start the exploitation.

The Dungeon is now open. Pull up a skull to sit on. The first review is already waiting. The Neverending countdown has begun…