LADIES AND GENTLEMEN! STOP THE PRESSES! WE HAVE BREAKING NEWS!
I was sitting here in the rafters, minding my own business, when a headline from PWInsider caught my attention.
“EXCLUSIVE: TAMMY SYTCH ATTEMPTS TO GET OUT OF PRISON, BUT IT COULD COST HER”
HOLY SHIT!
SUNNY’S MAKING A BREAK FOR IT!
I immediately sprang into action, opened my trusty word processor, and began preparing what promised to be the biggest wrestling news story of the afternoon.
Had the former WWF Diva tunneled beneath the prison walls? Fashioned a makeshift rope out of bedsheets? Crawled through an air-conditioning duct like Bruce Willis in Die Hard? Perhaps she’d simply walked out the front gate wearing a fake mustache and carrying a clipboard!
The possibilities were endless!
I already had my headline prepared: “A Sunny Day for a Prison Break!”
This was going to be HUGE!
Then, being the responsible wrestling journalist that I am, I decided to actually read the article. And do you know what I discovered?
Tammy Sytch had filed a post-conviction legal motion challenging her conviction.
That’s it.
SHE FILED FUCKING PAPERWORK!
YOU’VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!
Here I was, picturing helicopters circling the prison, bloodhounds racing through the Florida swamps, and Sunny making a desperate dash for freedom while the authorities shouted, “STOP THAT WOMAN!”
And the actual story involves lawyers, court filings, and a judge dismissing a motion.
Now, to be clear, the underlying case is serious. Sytch is serving a prison sentence following the drunk-driving crash that killed Julian Lasseter, and nothing about that tragedy is funny. Her latest legal effort could also have serious consequences if she eventually succeeded in reopening her case.
But that headline?
“ATTEMPTS TO GET OUT OF PRISON!”
Ladies and gentlemen, that’s like reporting that somebody “ATTEMPTED TO ROB A BANK” because they filled out a mortgage application!
I understand the importance of an attention-grabbing headline. We all want people to read our work. But perhaps we could avoid making routine legal proceedings sound like the opening fifteen minutes of The Fugitive.
And now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to cancel the breaking-news bulletin, call off the imaginary police helicopters, and delete approximately six paragraphs describing a prison escape that never happened.
A Sunny Day for a Prison Break?
More like a cloudy afternoon for the legal department.
— Stinger, reporting from the rafters of Titanquisitor Hall… it’s a nothing burger, as is usually the case.
Source: PWInsider — Tammy Sytch Attempts to Get Out of Prison, But It Could Cost Her
